By Peyton Andino AKA Elphaba Thropp

Disclaimer: Unlike the cast of Wicked and their supposed romances with their co-stars, this story is not real and never will be, which you will forget with the wave of my magical wand…

Three witches who hail from the lands of Toronto Metropolitan University’s (TMU) new medical school have decided to band together and start a union, calling themselves the Better Rights Every Witch-Union (BREW-U.)

Eva Ville, the head of the group, sat down in an interview with The Eyeopener this past Sunday and stroked her toad familiar as she recounted their purpose and reasons.

“The coven where I’m from, I’m fully allowed to brew my double bubble toil and trouble at any time necessary. Due to their lack of funding, we’ve been relegated to operating only from midnight to the witching hour! How reductive!” said Ville.

“It’s so outdated to only provide us with the blood of virgins”

Alongside accusations of discrimination based on evil auras, BREW-U is also lobbying for free binding for spellbooks, better tower cleaners and inclusive blood for oaths.

“It’s so outdated to only provide us with the blood of virgins,” said Ville while shaking her head. “We don’t care about your sexual status!” She paused, “Also, we don’t want blood from losers.”

The TMU School of Medicine, which opened its doors this past September, offers a Witching & Wizardry MD program that is said to provide students with the opportunity to, “Become a new kind of magic-user equipped to provide spell-binding, unbreakable curses and lead real occult change in the magiccare system.”

However, reports coming from the new school are telling a completely different story, with faulty brooms that don’t lift a lizard’s length off the ground, cauldrons with dried green goop left inside and broken grimoires that were bound from Frankie B. Bold themself, with feathers wound into the pages to show for it.

“The coven where I’m from, I’m fully allowed to brew my double bubble toil and trouble at any time necessary”

Ville and her coven including T. Ode Stoole and Madge Eekusa, have found themselves at the forefront of a new magic-focused revolution, where even the Etsy witches that have wished misfortune on political figures have rallied behind them in support.

Even Toronto mayor, Olivia Chow has been seen wearing an official BREW-U pin on her oversized bag with a plastic window that houses pins of the man who sings outside of the Eaton Center and Speaker Legend.

BREW-U is meeting with TMU School of Medicine staff this Tuesday, when the clock strikes four and the rooster crows for more, in order to discuss their demands and potentially come to a solution.

“We aren’t asking for much,” said Stoole, who had transmutated into the very chair that our representative almost sat in, “give us better hours, more resources and also all the blood of every student and I think we’ll be fully satisfied.”

When asked for a statement, TMU School of Medicine staff only regurgitated small creatures, including a turtle, a guinea pig and a really really small chihuahua that shakes when you address it.