By Dylan Marks

Disclaimer: This isn’t a joke but good fuck I wish it was. Some details have been exaggerated with lies for effect.

The Toronto Blue Jays lost the 2025 Major League Baseball World Series this past Saturday resulting in the death of the city of Toronto. 

Toronto Police Service officials said Toronto was pronounced dead following the swing of Alejandro Kirk’s bat in the bottom of the 11th inning at the Rogers Centre. 

The cause of death has been ruled as disappointment though some officials believe the Blue Jays themselves should be held responsible.

“JEFF HOFFMAN GOOD GOD MAN,” said Chief of Police Dyron Memkiw. “AND IKF YOU NEEDED A BIGGER SECONDARY LEAD AT THIRD FUCK ME.” 

Following the loss, fans present at the game took to the streets, walking within a corpse of a city from a funeral they paid to attend. 

Painted on the faces of every fan in their Vladimir Guerreo Jr. or Joe Carter jerseys were all five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and screaming “fuck the Dodgers.”  

“I sold my son to get tickets to this game so now I gotta go track him down,” said one fan while vaping obnoxiously. 

“I just became a fan a week ago but I really feel this loss. Go sports!” said the worst person you know. 

“Though this loss has effectively killed the city of Toronto, we will rebuild. Now I must go explain to my wife why a 12 leg parlay banking on a Jays win seemed like an absolute lock,” said Demkiw.