By Doug Ford

Disclaimer: While Doug Ford is actually fucking your chance at financial freedom right up the ass, he did not actually write this article. 

You kids are really making a ruckus over this OSAP stuff, so I’ve come to set the record straight. There’s no ‘fast lane’ to success, trust me, I tried to get them to add one onto Highway 401. 

It all started with my ma and pa, the shining pillars of the Ford Clan. From a young age they pushed me and my brother to become the people we’d always dreamed of. I remember their positive affirmations, “you’re easy,” “you’re cheap,” “you’re open for business.” We’d repeat them as a family in the mirror every morning. 

To all the students—I made that basket-weaving comment as someone who’s walked in your shoes. I spent two long months attending Humber College. Back in my day, useless industries like basket-weaving would never be taught in schools. Then I dropped out, aiming for a real homegrown Ontario industry—my family’s
label-making company.

It wasn’t easy without OSAP. From those two months spent studying I owed Humber College $5,000. It was closer to $250 but I’m adjusting for inflation. The inflation that all you greedy students are causing. 

I worked tirelessly at our family business to pay off my student loans, expanding our business into Chicago and later acquiring another label business out of New Jersey, in a country where people make real money. There’s no business like taking your business elsewhere!

My message to students today is simple — if you want it, work for it! Take all that time you spend protesting outside of Queen’s Park and go get a job, there’s tons of them out there. Better yet, drop out of whatever rinky-dink major you’re studying and go into healthcare, a career where you can really pay off your loans. 

And if that doesn’t work, wait for mom and dad to kick the can and pay your loans with your inheritance! If only those weren’t taxed amirite?

Look, I’m trying to solve the problem here. I’m building a whole spa for you hooligans to work at. Pretty soon you’ll be able to scrape the bottom of my fourth cousin’s cankled feet for twice what they pay those ladies in Thailand. And you can thank our shareholders for that. 

When I was elected a City of Toronto councillor I donated my $100,000 annual salary to community organizations. Yeah, and I still made it here today. You all wanna be like “oh how did he afford to do that,” and “oh he must be rich,” how about a thank you?

It’s actually so lame that you guys are complaining about this. Like, embarrassing much? Just say that you’re poor. Not me, I’m stinkin’ fucking rich. I’m rolling in cash like a greased up hog on a mudslide. My pockets are so lined the greenbelt couldn’t hold them up. 

You all honestly just have to get like me. I don’t even know what else to say. Why don’t we just forget all this “education” bullcrap and start heading up to Northern Ontario for some real work. Our province’s brightest minds could make sooooo much money doing backbreaking labour and mining through Indigenous land.

Oh yeah also the Science Centre’s closing, I’ll give you dollar beers, anyone against me wants porn in our schools, the carbon tax is why you’re poor, CUPE is a terrorist organization, yada yada yada. All your racist uncles are going to vote for me anyway so see ya next term!