By Liana Yadav

Disclaimer: This story is purely satire; any coincidence to real life is intentional and planned by billionaires to make you a brainless bot.

Last Thursday, fourth-year sociology student Jordan Booksmart was summoned to Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU)’s Academic Integrity office after allegedly submitting an essay he appeared to have written himself without the use of artifical intelligence (AI). 

“His work was missing the usual hallmarks of AI writing,” explained one Academic Integrity Council member. “All of his examples were rooted in real data and backed by credible sources. It’s almost as if he didn’t want to be complicit in humanity’s ruin?”

After running the student’s essay through an AI-checker expecting the usual 85-100 per cent computer-generated result, Booksmart’s professor Paige Turner was surprised to see the tool spontaneously combust after producing a zero per cent AI result.

“I would have preferred it if he instead dropped a big fat deuce on my desk. What is the point of me treating this job like my part-time hobby if my students are going to actually put in an effort?” said Turner, whose Zoom background was her LinkedIn headshot.

When asked to explain himself, Booksmart said that he sees nothing wrong with completing an essay without the use of AI. 

“If not using AI is some kind of big news story, then there’s something wrong with the institution of education,” said Booksmart. “I can’t be the only one who actually does the course readings, can I?”

Booksmart’s classmates reported that his negative energy towards AI had always concerned them. We asked some of them how they felt about ChatGPT.

“My thoughts on OpenAI? More like open my legs, Sam Altman,” said student Pikmy Chusme, whose eyes glazed over and looked at the AI generated picture of her and Altman’s four kids. “What was the question again?”

The Eyeopener asked other students for comment but they were unable to answer because if they used their brain for more than two seconds, they would start tweaking. 

Always ready to have an opinion, president Mohamed Lachemi described the whole thing as a win-win situation. 

“Students are guaranteed unemployment while I make another 100k a year,” he said before rolling away in his Volvo, running over two TMU students.

Other TMU community members who actually cared about the university decided to take action.

Many felt they had still not recovered from the aura points they’ve lost since someone pointed out metropolitan sounds like metrosexual. It was important to make an example of the student for blatantly disrespecting everything the university stands for. A public statement was released the very next day:

“We’ve MET with Booksmart and made him apologize for his METiculous writing,” it reads. “He has also been asked to chill the fuck out – we can all go back to METamorphosizing into brainless idiots going goo-goo-ga-ga.”