By Julia Herrick

My Dearest Darlingest
President Lachemi,

I am a first-year business management student who just arrived at this fine educational institution and I was wondering if it would be possible for me to already be done before I’ve even barely just begun? 

I know the typical path for a young mind such as myself would be to toil away with my head in a book for four years straight but I’d rather just wrap this up real quick so I can move on to bigger and better things like staying in my bed until noon and trying to learn all the words to Yakko’s World. I’m already up to the third verse so this extra time would really help.  

I realize this may sound unusual but I really think this would benefit everyone involved. I will pay for all four years up front using the money I got from the court settlement after being hit by a car in Grade 11. I originally forged several OSAP forms in hopes that I would get enough money to cover it all but they just gave me $40 in grants and $152,000 in loans so that kind of screwed me. 

I would be happy to complete all of my course work for every class I would ever have to take all at once in one sitting, let’s say during one afternoon. Or maybe I could be given some kind of examination worth 400 per cent of my grade? That’s 100 per cent for each year if that math flew over your head. 

I also wanted to ask whether attendance is mandatory for every class I would be taking all at once because I haven’t quite figured out the concept of cloning, however with the extra time this expedited education would give me I’m sure I could crack it. 

In my life I have already written so many emails and read enough books in order to educate myself that surely some of these must count towards credits right? I am also willing to compromise on the quality of my university experience. I don’t need to join any clubs or study abroad or even make lifelong friendships or “find myself.” I already know who I am, and currently that person would like to graduate immediately.

I’ve already illegally downloaded all the textbooks I would ever need on my phone, so please let that reflect on my commitment to my higher education.

Please let me know if this acceleration is possible as I am hoping to graduate by Friday.

Sincerely,
Done with this