By Dylan Marks

Disclaimer: As funny as it is, let’s agree Lachemi would never put in this much effort to better the school. 

Last week, The Eyeopener reported that three campus buildings are currently running on diesel generators after sustaining damage in a September storm. This week, following the malfunctioning of said generators, Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU) President Mohamed Lachemi has taken it upon himself to power the buildings via bicycle.

Connected to the damaged buildings’ energy supplies through a really long extension cord, the bicycle Lachemi is pedalling is completely decked out in TMU Bold blue and gold as well as fresh Frankie B. Bold decals duct-taped to the sides. 

When asked why Facilities Management and Development could not simply replace the generators, Lachemi declared this would defeat the entire purpose of the endeavour. 

“Students, I will not stop pedalling until the power to these buildings is restored, or until my new biking Instagram account @presidentandvicepedaller reaches 471,070 followers—one for every dollar of my giant salary,” he said while pedalling furiously. 

Students and other passersby on Gould street noted the sight of Lachemi helping out the university community was inspiring.

“It’s like when Darth Vader throws Palpatine down the reactor shaft in Return of the Jedi,” said second-year nursing student Jordan Mills. 

“You’re surprised because he’s the bad guy, but now you’re like, ‘ok, so who’s this new guy? What’s he gonna do now?’” she said. 

First-year english student Aaron Taylor said he stops to view the spectacle whenever he comes to campus. “I come by every day hoping he’ll give me a turn on the bike, but he never does. How is that fair?” he asked. 

Fourth-year new media student Lauren Blake commended the president. “This is the kind of thing you want to see at your university—a president really helping out the community. He’s a stand up guy—or I guess a sit-down guy because he’s on the bike all day long,” said Blake. 

While the act may appear selfless, TMU Provost and incoming replacement for Lachemi, Roberta Iannacito-Provenzano, said the president’s efforts may not be as sincere as they seem.

“So basically the bike isn’t connected to anything. I told him some made-up crap about electricity from Back to The Future, since I know he’s never seen it,” said Iannacito-Provenzano. 

“He’s kind of started to go nuts trying to fill the time ever since he decided to leave so I’ve been feeding his delusions so he won’t change his mind about going. First it was starting that @TMUsquirrels Instagram page, then it was tearing down the Imperial Pub. For a while he was using the TMU Safe app to get tucked in at night and now it’s this,” she said.

“Mama needs this job and she’s gonna do whatever it takes.”

Though the provost claims the bicycle is not powering the buildings, an unknowing Lachemi said he has no plans of slowing down anytime soon. 

“I am currently pedalling at a pace that allows me to achieve the 1.21 gigawatts of power needed to light up these buildings,” said Lachemi. 

“I can’t stop now. I feel the power in every pedal, every mountain I climb is another jolt of lightning directly into my brain.”