By Richard Snackwell

Disclaimer: True: There is actually a school supply vending machine in the SLC. False: No one has ever purchased anything from it and no one ever will. 

Community members at Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU) were shocked to learn this week that a student allegedly purchased  a stapler from the school supply vending machine inside the Student Learning Centre (SLC).  

The vending machine, believed by many to be some kind of joke, holds various school supplies including but not limited to pens, pencils, markers, crayons, notepads, staples, paper clips, clips for paper, paper, rulers, scientific calculators with out of date buttons and, as mentioned, staplers. 

Fifth-year mechanical engineering student Gordon Swingline said he purchased the stapler because he “needed it.” 

“I don’t see the big deal with this whole situation. I needed some sort of device that could connect two separate pieces of paper together into one pamphlet type thing, and I saw the machine was selling one for the fair price of $32,” said Swingline.

In an interview with The Eyeopener, the company who operates the machine said Swingline’s purchase was the first transaction the machine has ever seen.

Vending machine repairman Ole Joe Vending said he was alerted in his small lighthouse off the coast of Nova Scotia via carrier pigeon just days after the transaction had occurred. 

“The prophecy foretold that one day, ‘whomever shall taketh the stapler from the machine shall fulfill the foretelling and set the machine free’,”  said Vending. “Beautiful creatures, these machines. When I fix them I talk to them. I have always talked to them. They talk back too.”

Interim Director of Student Life and Learning Support Andrew Bisnauth, said the machine is typically not a priority for the building’s staff as it has been dormant and unused for so long. 

“We kind of do anything in that building—I mean, one floor is the beach,” said Bisnauth. “That vending machine is the least of our concerns, all our focus is currently on adding a ninth floor that is outer space-themed where there is no oxygen.” 

When asked how they felt about Swingeline’s purchase, his classmates said they were completely shocked.

“I think it really shows a sign of the times, I mean what kind of sicko would buy a stapler from a vending machine?” said one classmate.

“I talk to the vending machines as well and they do talk back,” said another. 

“I was inspired by his purchase of the stapler, I might go crazy myself and buy a $48 mouse from it,” said Swingline’s classmate.