By Mike Onesi and Ed Keenan
One of your classmates had sex under the big “O” in the Hollywood sign. Nearly 85 per cent of your fellow students support assisted suicide. Fifteen per cent of them believe Kurt Cobain was a better philosopher than Descartes. And for a million dollars, you could see 46 per cent of your school chums come to school naked.
How do we know? We hired the prestigious consulting firm of (Sex) Onesi, Keenan and Beer Inc. to ask 100 Ryerson students—50 men and 50 women—about their opinions, preferences and dirty sexual secrets. Perhaps surprisingly, our respondents were more than happy to let us into their minds and bedrooms.
We make no claims as to the accuracy or usefulness of this survey, and a sampling of this size administered in this method probably has an accuracy rating close to that of the “dartboard method.” Some numbers may not add up to 100 due to rounding up and incompetence.
Some answers have been divided into women and men to point out some interesting contrasts.
Of course, this survey wouldn’t have been possible without the most gracious help of our slave tally geeks Chris and John.
Enough of the preamble already, on to the good stuff!!!
Which sub shop do you prefer?
Subway 60%
Mr. Sub 40%
Who would you rather be?
Men:
Homer Simpson 76%
Ronald Reagan 14%
John Wayne Bobbitt 10%
Women:
Heidi Fleiss 74%
Tonya Harding 16%
Amy Fischer 10%
Who would you rather sleep with?
Men:
Peg Bundy 53%
Susan Powter 19%
Queen Elizabeth 14%
Sheila Copps 14%
Pat from SNL 0%
Women:
Fabio 34%
Peter Mansbridge 26%
Pierre Trudeau 20%
Michael Bolton 16%
Pat from SNL 0%
Two women wrote in that they’d prefer death to any of the options given.
Are you in favour of allowing assisted suicides (e.g. Sue Rodriguez)?
Yes 86%
No 14%
Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Chicken 51%
Egg 49%
In the hockey dispute, did you support…
Both sides suck 71%
Players 18%
Owners 11%
Which news story are you sickest of hearing about?
O.J. 68 %
Sports strikes 15%
Photo radar 6%
Tonya Harding 6%
Chechnya/Russia 4%
Canadian Airborne Regiment 1%
Of the females from Gilligan’s Island, who is sexier?
Ginger 61%
Mary Anne 30%
Mrs. “Lovey” Howell 9%
Of the men from Gilligan’s Island, who is sexier?
Professor 71%
Gilligan 14%
Skipper 9%
Thurston Howell III 5%
One person wrote in a vote for Gilligan’s monkey
To balance the federal budget, should the liberals focus on cuts, cuts, cuts or tax, tax, tax?
Cuts 67%
Taxes 33%
Who would win in a fist-fight between Bill Clinton and Jean Chretien?
Jean Chretien 67%
Bill Clinton 33%
How often do you use a condom during sex?
Always 40%
Most of the time 16%
Some of the time 9%
Occasionally 11%
Never 17%
Don’t have sex 7%
A lot of the people who marked “never” also wrote in that they are married and/or monogamous.
How many people have you slept with in your life?
0 — female 5%, male 4%
1 — female 21%, male 3%
2-5 — female 48%, male 38%
6-10 — female 9%, male 21%
11-15 — female 7%, male 9%
16+ — female 12%, male 15%
How old were you when you lost your virginity?
Men
13 and under — 13%
14 — 3%
15 — 5%
16 — 30%
17 — 10%
18 — 18%
19 — 10%
20 — 8%
older than 20 — 5%
Women
13 and under — 5%
14 — 5%
15 — 0%
16 — 8%
17 — 27%
18 — 27%
19 — 8%
20 — 10%
older than 20 — 10%
What religion would you call yourself?
Catholic 34%
Atheist 14%
Agnostic 14%
Jewish 7%
Protestant 6%
Born Again 3%
Muslim 2%
Hindu 1%
Buddhist 0%
Other 18%
There was one write in vote for “hockey.”
Out of the following, who is your favorite philosopher?
Neitzche 22%
Socrates 21%
Aristotle 20%
Plato 18%
Kurt Cobain 15%
Descartes 4%
Which school is the best?
Ryerson 75%
U of Toronto 11%
DeVry Institute of Technology 8%
York U. 6%
From the list, which is the most boring?
The entire panel of Front Page Challenge 34%
Margaret Atwood 20%
Lloyd Robertson 18%
Swedish Hockey 16%
Pierre Berton 9%
If a federal election were held tomorrow, what party would you vote for?
Liberal 38%
Rhino 10%
Reform 10%
NDP 7%
PC 5%
Bloc Quebecois 3%
National 2%
Other 23%
Claiming he has 38% of the electoral vote already, one respondent said he’d vote for himself.
Who do you find more attractive?
Eyeopener Reporter Mike Onesi 37%
Eyeopener Features Editor Ed Keenan 29%
Even though these options were not given, 10% wrote in “both;” 24% left the question blank, 1% wanted to sleep with the “Eyeopener sports girl who covers the hockey games,” and one woman expressed an interest in “sexing Mike up.” (I guess that’s why they call him Sexonesi – Ed.) There was also one guy who thought “a sack of pus” was more attractive than either of the handsome young Eye staffers.
Do you support affirmative action?
Yes 74%
No 36%
Which best describes your opinion of racial jokes? They are…
A sign of ignorance 34%
Mostly harmless 27%
Offensive 20%
Funny 19%
A woman’s place is…
Wherever she damn well wants to be — females 100%, males 62%
In the home — women 0%, men 16%
Behind a great man — women 0%, men 8%
At work — women 0%, men 6%
Four macho types trying to prove their masculinity wrote in answers. They were: on my face (2); in bed; and on top.
Which cola do you prefer?
Coke 60%
Pepsi 18%
President’s Choice 5%
RC 2%
Cott 1%
Other 14%
What is your favourite beer?
This was an open-ended question, we got 32 beers listed from 100 respondents. Most got only one or two votes. For the sake of brevity, we’ve listed only those that got 4% of the vote or more.
Molson Dry 7%
Rickard’s Red 5%
Upper Canada 5%
Corona 5%
Labbatt 50 4%
Have you ever tried drugs?
Yes 67%
No 33%
Which drugs have you tried/experimented with?
Only those who answered yes to the last question answered this one. People checked as many as applied.
Marijuana 98%
Hash 82%
Mushrooms 60%
Acid 42%
Speed 18%
Cocaine 17%
Heroin 8%
Crack 8%
In (an) average week, how many alcoholic drinks do you have?
0 — 23%
1-5 — 47%
6-10 — 10%
11-15 — 10%
16-25 — 3%
26+ — 7%
Are you in favour of legalizing marijuana?
Yes 66%
No 34%
For a million bucks, would you…? (Numbers shown represent yes answers).
Box Mike Tyson 63%
Go to school naked 51%
Menage a trois with infomerical athletes Susan Powter and Tony Little 49%
Eat 100 worms 39%
Would you rather…
Spend four years as the Prime Minister 62%
Spend a month in a minimum security prison 38%
Your doctor tells you that you only have one month to live. Which would you do? (You can only choose one from the list).
Get a second opinion 58%
Tell all your profs to go screw themselves 24%
Kill your worst enemy 9%
Say goodbye to relatives 8%
Eat fatty foods 4%
Cry and sulk 2%
Which Toronto daily newspaper do you prefer?
Toronto Star 53%
Globe and Mail 24%
Toronto Sun 23%
Which campus newspaper do you prefer?
The Eyeopener 75%
Both campus papers suck 23%
That other shitty one the School of Journalism puts out 2%
When a glass of water is at the half way point, is it…
Half full 69%
Half empty 30%
One guy wrote “in need of some scotch.”
From the list, which is the best sitcom?
The Simpsons 40%
Seinfeld 22%
Mad About You 17%
Home Improvement 8%
Frasier 8%
Married With Children 5%
Do you smoke?
No 52%
Yes 38%
Only when drinking 9%
Do you think Quebec will separate from Canada next year?
No 85%
Yes 15%
From the following list, who was the best hockey player of all time?
Wayne Gretzky 44%
Gordie Howe 10%
Bobby Orr 7%
Maurice “Rocket” Richard 7%
Mario Lemieux 3%
V. Tretiak 3%
I know nothing about hockey 22%
There was one write in vote each for Justin Gray, formerly of the Ryerson Rams, and Tiger Williams.
How do you feel about surveys like this one?
A pleasure to fill out 32%
Don’t really mind 27%
Somewhat annoying 6%
Fuckoff, smartass 35%
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