By Hailey Ford
Disclaimer: Outside this satirical piece, the university is extremely unlikely to take any measures to improve residence—supernatural or otherwise.
Last week, residence advisors (RA) at Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU) announced they hired a full-time spiritual medium advisor to address the numerous complaints students have with on-campus housing.
D-list celebrity Beatrice Veresol will now be a frequent sight to students living on campus as she makes her initial efforts to cleanse Pitman Hall, the Daphne Cockwell Complex (DCC) and the International Living/Learning Centre.
“We understand that this may be a controversial decision,” said Ava Madison, the RA who originally suggested the hiring. “But based on her track record and our lack of success with traditional methods like maintenance and upkeep, we’re certain this will work.”
Veresol is currently dealing with known and existing issues such as elevator wait times, absent hot water and cases of food poisoning.
“I’ve always known it was ghosts. I’m embarrassed the RAs took this long to realize,” said Chelsea White, a second-year student who lived in the DCC last year. “My light fell out of the ceiling, a window smashed and I got locked inside my room for two whole days.”
Veresol has already conducted her first séance on the 13th floor of Pitman Hall. The RAs also commissioned TMU-branded candles for use in the ritual, which students can purchase at the campus store later this week.
“I’ve always known it was ghosts. I’m embarrassed the RAs took this long to realize”
She said that while the process was time consuming, it allowed her to identify many of the ghostly culprits.
“The sewage overflows are commonly attributed to clogged pipes and overuse,” she explained. “In reality, it’s a spirit named Fœtor, who likes the smell.”
Veresol rose to fame in the hit 2000s Canadian television series Foundation or Phantom. Together with home inspector Adam Cedar, they solved both the supernatural and structural issues in houses across the country.
The show was canceled in 2011 when it came to light that her co-star was a fraud who lacked the appropriate credentials. Cedar had been exposed following an episode where he was crushed to death by a home he had formerly deemed “structurally sound.” Following that, Veresol wrote a number of popular middle-grade novels telling a fictionalized version of her childhood.
“I figured it was time to go back to my roots,” she said when asked why she was returning to the field. “Plus, book sales are down and I’m running low on funds. My equipment isn’t cheap.”
The decision to bring on a psychic advisor is popular with students, staff and faculty alike.
“I feel comforted knowing that the university cares enough about the student safety to address this issue head on,” said one no-longer-concerned parent coming out of a parent-psychic meeting.
Veresol said she will be taking a variety of approaches to dealing with the hauntings. She added that she prefers to take a therapeutic approach to managing the unruly spirits but is not opposed to more aggressive solutions when necessary.
“Tris, who haunts the International Living/Learning Centre could be quite useful as an academic resource once she receives counseling,” Veresol said. “But others, like Incenignus, pose a serious risk and need to be purged from this plane immediately with the buildings warded to prevent a return.”
She will also provide sessions to students in residence on how to properly use crystals, salt circles and candles for paranormal safety. One session will be mandatory for all students living on the 4th, 7th and 9th floors of Pitman Hall.
Students can call 1-800-GOTGHOSTS to report any further incidents with the undead.
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