By Rustin Peace

Disclaimer: We’re back with more deaths that may or may not be completely fabricated (they are). 

Your patience on the TTC

After years of delays, shuttle replacements and mysterious “signal issues” at Bloor-Yonge station, your patience for the TTC has officially died. Last seen screaming into the abyss while the Line 1 train sat motionless between College and Dundas stations as your midterm began without you. It will be remembered for its brief moments of hope every time the train started moving, only to stop moments after.

The campus Wi-Fi 

The Wi-Fi on campus has died for the 478th and final time this semester. Despite its many resurrections, it ultimately succumbed to the weight of 12,000 Chrome tabs, 333 Zoom calls and one desperate student trying to submit a quiz before the timer ran out. Known for its unpredictable nature and cruel sense of timing, it is survived by “TMU-Guest,” which only worked in the SLC lobby sometimes and also nowhere else. In lieu of condolences, please restart the router.

The TMSU

These guys have to be dead because I haven’t heard a single word from them in months…

People in line at Oakham Café

The people in line at Oakham Café have tragically passed away from old age while waiting for their breakfast sandwiches. Witnesses say some had been there since orientation week. Known for their optimism and commitment to locally roasted coffee, they will be remembered fondly by those who once believed “it won’t take that long.” 

The hope that the streetcar will be faster than walking

Lost to time and gridlock somewhere between Dundas and Queen. The funeral will be delayed indefinitely due to “traffic ahead.”

Ace the Blue Jay

Beloved Toronto Blue Jays mascot and emotional support bird of the city, Ace passed away suddenly following the tragic World Series loss against the Los Angeles Dodgers. Sources say he was last seen staring blankly at the CN Tower lights before quietly humming “Nokia” by Drake while accidentally flying off into a plane engine. He will be remembered for his unwavering spirit, his high-fives with children and his ability to not look dead inside during every seventh inning stretch. In his honour, students are asked to wear blue and white and mutter “next year” under their breath.