By Sam T. Infection

Disclaimer: Unlike my most recent sexual health screening results, this story is positively false.

Everyone’s itching and scratching all over campus. Why’s that? Ontario premier Doug Ford’s Bill 33. The legislation’s cuts to ancillary fees mean the stockpile of complimentary condoms on campus has run dry. And now sexually transmitted infections (STIs) like chlamydia and gonorrhea have run amuck. More like Bill-dirty D, amirite?

“This bill has killed the majority of our funding and we simply can’t afford to provide condoms to the student body like we once did,” said Cleo Mydia, a spokesperson for the Toronto Metropolitan Students’ Union’s (TMSU) Centre for Free Condoms. “Unfortunely, as we all know, bitches still be fuckin’ and them STI’s still be stuckin’.”

One brave gonorrhea-riddled student went on the record with The Eyeopener about his experience getting the clap after condom-less clapping.

“I’m so goddamn mad at Ford, fuck him—just, fuck him so hard. Fuck Doug Ford, so hard, I want him to rip my green belt off…fuck.”

Provost of student affairs, Lucille Legs, said they are actively looking for solutions to the university’s gaping hole in funds.

“I spent some time at the Harvey’s on Jarvis, trying to…fundraise,” she said while uncrossing her legs.

Thus far, the TMSU has repurposed its multi-billion dollar balloon budget to aid the crisis on campus. “They fit the same after you give it a blow,” that’s what she said.

Students are reporting a whole host of symptoms.

“My penis was oscillating between extremely sensitive and borderline traumatised,” said Prince Harry, who is not a Toronto Metropolitan University student.

Third-year biology student Doxxy Prepp said her snatch is positively patched with mash. “They keep calling maintenance to my classes cause they think an animal died in the wall,” she said.

Other students say the issue is being blown out of proportion.

“Just because it burns when I pee, I’m secreting unusual genital discharge and I experience immense pain during intercourse that doesn’t mean I have chlamydia,” a student in the third-floor Kerr Hall East bathroom promised me.