BY CENTRE RIGHT | OTTAWA BUREAU

Over the past few weeks, Prime Minister Mark Carney has been spotted slurping down brothy rice, chainsmoking ChungHwa 中华s and whispering into Duolingo during cabinet meetings. Experts from the Centre for Being Chinese (CBC) think the Liberal Party leader might be Chinamaxxing. 

The CBC defines Chinamaxxing as, “getting so woke on that wok that you can’t help but buy an electric vehicle.” On their website, they detail some famous examples of Chinamaxxing, like John Cena, Chet Hanks and Ariana Grande at one point probably.

Carney’s foreign policy towards China has come under fire after his March 30 announcement of the Canada-Ontario trade deal to increase housing perspectives. “We’re importing thousands of tons of bamboo, it’s cheap as fuck and all our new homes will look like the Shaolin Temple,” the press release reads.

General Secretary of the Chinese Communist Party, Xi Jinping, said he’s “totally obsessed” with Canada while he sucked on one of those snow maple syrup lollipops. “Sometimes I put a bit of this stuff in a rubber ball and let Mark roll around the yard with it,” he added. 

The Dilly Dally spoke with Bay Street banker Aaron Smith and his girlfriend Vivian Wong. We found them doing that Lady and the Tramp thing with a Shanghai noodle. 

“What a country. Carney’s a man after my own heart. My very Chinese heart, that is. You know, I’ve been eating a lot of Chinese food recently—I mean food. It’s just food to me,” Smith said. 

Wong rolled her eyes and added, “I’m a believer in globalization leading towards world peace. However, continuing with this deal after the threat from the U.S., needs to be thought through carefully while thinking about who can replace them as an importer.”

“She doesn’t know English very well,” explained Smith.

In addition to trade agreements, Carney’s conversations have been criticized for ignoring the current genocide in Xinjiang and senseless jailings of the Uyghur Muslims. There are over half a million Uyghurs imprisoned in government reeducation camps, and Carney’s visit has been called out for
ignorance towards this issue. 

His office, following a visit to Xi Jinping, released a statement saying, “While in Beijing, Canada’s position on areas of concern, including human rights, were raised proactively at multiple levels, including by the prime minister with his counterparts.” 

Some of Carney’s newer policies include now importing all cigarettes from your friend’s Chinese uncle, mandating that every person learns Mandarin (NOT Cantonese, none at all), conscription to the Broadview Chinatown’s busiest bakery and a new school uniform—mandatory for all districts—consisting of Essentials/Off-White sweatpants, Meta AI Glasses and that one Adidas jumper with Chinese knot buttons.

Finally, we met up with John Philip Carlos Hernandez Dela-Cruz, who was found playing drop-in basketball.

“Oh, yeah dude. We all love Carney,” said Hernandez Dela-Cruz, who has actually been Chinese all his life. “My Lola is a die hard Liberal, so much so that she still has a Pierre-Elliot Trudeau sign in her yard.”

He paused, “What was the question again?”

Minister of Foreign Affairs Anita Anand said she’s hopeful that Canadians will love their new Chinese lives. “You know, Bing Chilling and shit right? Amirite?” she said. 

The Dilly Dally will be closely following Anand’s recent trade partnership with Temu, promising thin nylon shirts with AI galaxy wolves on them for every Canadian. 

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. When the old man from the frontier lost his horse, how could he have known it would be a blessing in disguise,” Smith said before bowing.