BY PIP SQUEAK | CITY HALL BUREAU

The City of Toronto announced Friday that Mayor Olivia Chow has been welcomed into the court of His Whiskerfulness, the Rat King. This marks the first time in decades that a municipal politician have received a summons from the King.

The last mayor to kiss the surprisingly dexterous pink toes of the Rat King was John Sewell in 1979, who was a great friend to the rat community (maybe because his last name sounded like sewer and rats like that).

According to Chow, City Hall has been trying to secure a meeting with the Rat King ever since Mel Lastman struck and killed the beloved son and 1,864th heir to the throne, Ratberson Beadyblunder, with a Swiffer Wet Jet.

Human-rat relations in Toronto were not aided by former mayor Rob Ford’s tenureship as he ended the city’s garbage collection strike, also known as the Great Glutinous Abundance of ‘09 in the Rat Kingdom.

“Squeak! Squeak! Rob Ford says stop the gravy train but we say keep it chugging,” proclaimed the Rat King in his 2009 address of his court. “More rotten, stinking, congealed gravy please! Squeak! Squeak!”

Office expense reports obtained by the Dilly Dally reveal that Chow’s office may have engaged in some under-the-table dealings in order to secure the meeting. Receipts scoured from office waste baskets detail thousands of dollars being spent on elaborate cheese platters.

“The Balkan donkey milk cheese alone would run you $200 a gram,” said cheesemonger, Fédéric de-Lioncourt-de-Point-du-Lac-Walters. “And that’s not including the Sardinian casu marzu that had to be flown over from Italy or the giant wheel of parm that had to be flown in from Eataly.”

Clearly, these tactics were effective as Chow rolled out a hefty agenda for her meeting with the Rat King. Chow says that she intends to discuss issues surrounding Toronto’s waste collection, transit and the Weapons-style disappearance of small dogs and lawn furniture.

“Hello, Toronto!” Chow said in her Friday press conference. “I will be journeying to the beautiful subterranean paradise of the Rat King and I will get your dogs back! Bella will be quivering on grandma’s couch soon enough.”

The High Admirals of the Rat Kingdom responded to Chow on behalf of the Rat King in a video posted to Instagram Squ-eels.

“Squeak! Squeak! We are most delighted to welcome Mayor Chow to our shimmering nest,” they said in unison. “Our beloved King’s whiskers are twitching in delight, but make no mistake: there are more of us than there are of you. We will never concede our way of life. Squeak! Squeak!”

This warning was ominously similar to the one issued to former New York City Mayor Eric Adams after he declared his war on rats in 2022. Adams left his office in disgrace amid several public scandals.

Public health officials have also warned Chow that venturing into the Rat Kingdom could resurrect a strain of plague but she remains unfazed.

“They stole my garden furniture,” said Chow in defiance. “If they refuse to come to a compromise I’ll call up Danielle Smith and she can have their way with them ha ha ha.”