All this talk about gay-this and gay-that is making my conservatively, politically-engorged ass swell up and sting with a red, burning rage--it's gotten so bad I haven't been shitting straight for weeks.

Shell Canada Ltd. and Petro-Canada have launched independent campaigns to help make filling up at the pump more affordable: relinquishing first-born sons as payment.

Beelzebub's three wings sent forth blasts of impotence, ignorance and hatred.

Profit to exceed that of planet Earth.

By Millicent J. Fluffington A Big Canadian Business announced yesterday it was naming white man John Smith, 52, as CEO after a long and arduous search for the candidate best suited to taking government handouts and suppressing ethics and morals.

Makes more work for this wannabe sport reporter.

She's the Shit.

White as hell in Alabama and not going to take it!

My loyal readers will recognize that my straight-from-the-hip style has made me many enemies over the years.

As thousands of commuters pile on to the GO trains at Union Station tonight, a thought crosses many of their minds: Is that shit show Train 48 still on the air?

Despite its misleading name, the new Toronto free daily paper Dose will neither provide useful information for its readers nor cure their sexually transmitted diseases.

Michael Jackson's lawyers unveiled yesterday their all-star lineup of expert witnesses who will testify that Mr. Jackson is nothing short of a saint.