By Steve Carmichael
Let’s join these fights already in progress…
SARAH MICHELLE GELLER vs. ICE-T
Sarah gave Ice-T a roundhouse kick to the head followed by a kick to the groin. Ice-T punched her back in the stomach. Sarah fell to the ring floor. Ice-T said, “It’s time for my kind to get a little revenge!” Large fangs started to grow from his mouth.
“You’re a fuckin’ vampire,” Sarah said. “Like, how could I have been so blind?”
Once again, she called on the Buffy stunt double. Ice-T grabbed the lookalike by the neck and lifted her and threw her across the ring.
Before Sarah knew what was happening, Ice-T had already drop-kicked her in the head. Sarah was almost knocked out, until she remembered vampires must be staked through the heart to be killed.
Sarah searched for a piece of wood that she could fashion into a stake and tried to mount some sort of offence against Ice-T. But this ended up as her last attack. Ice-T bit into Sarah’s neck and started drinking her blood. He looked at her and said, “You is too damn fine to kill.” So he made her into a vampire.
RITA MACNEIL vs. GARTH BROOKS
Rita was still hopped up on those hyper-aggression drugs from her earlier match. She had a taste for blood and was eager for more. She had become a fan favourite, with a cheering section in the audience. Garth tried to hit her as hard as he could. But he bounced off and landed on the other side of the ring. He noticed that he did manage to make Rita shake. He quickly pounced on her again, this time knocking her down.
Garth grabbed some rope and tied Rita up like a calf. Rita began to growl and hiss like a caged wild cat.
Garth took off his cowboy hat and bowed to the crowd in victory. Until he began to hear the sound of ropes snapping. Rita was loose once again, and crazier than a whale in a bathtub.
Rita screamed, “Never underestimate the power of my girth!” Somehow, she jumped into the air, turning into a human projectile, and landed on Garth with the force of a small planet.
Garth, kicking and screaming, said, “Fuck, you beastly whore, get off!” But he was no match for Rita’s overwhelming mass. Rita ripped off his arms and bit off his head. Then she ate some cheerleaders.