Last celebrity standing

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Reading Time: 2 minutes

By Steve Carmichael

 

The other day Martha Stewart had Eminem guest star on her show. “This is our good friend Marshall Mathers,” Martha said. “But he liked to be called Eminem or Slim Shady. He’s really hip and funny with the youngsters today.” Eminem said, “Don’t take me for a joke, I’m no comedian. Too many mental problems got me snortin’ coke and smokin’ weed again.”

 

Martha said, “Today Eminem is going to help us make some delicious caramel popcorn balls and festive Halloween treat bags. Sometimes I like to nibble on the popcorn.”

 

Martha stuffed a handful of popcorn into her mouth. Little did she know, Eminem had slipped some liquid acid into the popcorn bowl. Martha said “First of all we heat up the caramel. Then we stick the popcorn togeth… Slim, I feel really funny…”

 

Martha began to wobble and look around the room. Eminem asked, “What’s the matter bitch?” She replied “I don’t know, I think it’s my tummy, no wait it’s my head… Do you smell caramel? It’s really gettin’ to me.”

 

Eminem said, “Uh, yah, ‘cause it’s on the fuckin’ stove.”

 

Martha’s eye’s started to flutter rapidly and she needed to cling to the wall in order to stand up. Martha slowly realized that this young hipster must have done something to her. Martha said, “Slim, I think I need your help, it feels like I’m having a seizure.” Eminem said, “What? Help you? Hello no! My mom used to force me to watch your show! Your show made me feel like I was on crack, now it’s payback, Martha!”

 

Eminem started whipping the caramel popcorn balls at her. Then he dumped the boiling pot of caramel on Martha and threw her against the wall. She stuck like she was a fly on flypaper. However, Martha’s keen crafting skills worked through the pain of her second degree burns. She grabbed scissors and cut herself free of the sticky caramel.

 

Martha yelled, “Eminem, there are eight of you, which is real?” Martha began swinging the scissors wildly until finally she struck something.

After a few seconds, she heard Eminem’s wounded voice: “Fuck you bitch, I’m gonna take you on the Jerry Springer show and beat your ass legally.”

 

Martha grabbed some pipe cleaners, construction paper, thread and felt. She began cutting, pasting and sewing while a bloody Eminem staggered towards her.

 

Amazingly she created a craft which sucked the acid out of her blood.

 

Martha was back to normal just as Eminem was getting up. She gave him another kick to the chest and said, “Now look, we all learned a valuable lesson today: never nibble on sticky balls. And don’t do drugs!”

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