Briefs & Groaners

In News /

A roundup of some of the shadier — and odd — things that happen around Ryerson’s downtown campus.

You know mid-semester exhaustion is kicking in when someone forces their way into a Tim Hortons kiosk. Nothing of value was stolen from the kiosk in the Ted Rogers business building, though there was delicious chocolate syrup poured all over the counters and cabinets. This is a travesty.

Security went to a Kerr Hall classroom to see if a hippie-looking man found bagging drugs last week would return. Sure enough, he was in the exact same room exactly a week after being caught. He had 38g of marijuana in small individual bags and was charged with possession for purpose of trafficking. From this we’ve learned that hippies might not be the brightest. This theory is reinforced by all those hideous tie-dye clothes that they wear.

Three mummies – the most pathetic of all monsters – were found on campus, although they weren’t trying to eat people (or whatever it is that mummies do except wander about a bit, like old people). They were just putting stickers up on the architecture building, which is a bit of a disappointment. Turns out that the website the stickers were promoting had homophobic and sexist material on it, which reinforces the fact that mummies are pathetic.

In a sad tale, the best computer console ever — the N64 — was stolen from a room in Pitman Hall. It had about 20 games and four controllers with it, and was worth about $100. Message to thief: You are scum. P.S. If you ever want a game of Mario Kart, you’re free to come to the Eyeopener’s office, but I want to play as Luigi.

A female student suffered from a temporary loss of vision, but she wasn’t taken to hospital, instead she said she’d go to the doctor by herself. Let’s hope she didn’t drive there.

A student complained of feeling faint after being in a darkroom for three hours. We wonder if they were brought out wearing expensive sunglasses and speaking Spanish in something that looked like a rocket.

In the Eyeopener news team’s favourite story of the week, a large raccoon was found scaring children in the daycare centre by walking around the playground. Well done, raccoon.

— Lee Richardson

Leave a Comment