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Briefs and groaners

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Security received a noise complaint on Monday, Aug. 29, from a man who was annoyed at the music festival in the Pitman Hall courtyard. The man threatened to come down with a chainsaw and saw the stage in half.

Another noise complaint occurred on Tuesday, Aug. 30, when a faculty member called security to complain that two students were disruptive by yawning too loudly.

Shortly after midnight on Thursday, Sept.1, a security staff person filed a report after she found a “used personal sex toy” on the first floor of Kerr Hall. The report described it as a “clear, stretchy ring designed to be worn on the male genatalia, complete with a nude vibrating attachment.”

Classes haven’t even started yet, but one student already had enough school bullshit. Security was called Monday, Sept. 5, when somebody threw a laptop out of a Pitman Hall window around 12:30 a.m. You could have just given it to us, asshole.

Security picked up an intoxicated man with an apparent bladder problem on Saturday, Sept. 3. The man was smoking marijuana, trying to pick up passing women and urinating in the Gould Street planters. Police were called and the man was placed under arrest.

A distressed faculty member called security for assistance Monday, Sept. 5, when she discovered there was a squirrel trapped in her office. Security responded and were able to coax the squirrel out. It is yet unknown if the squirrel is likely to return.

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