Suraj Singh, nationally recognized Quidditch authority and shoo-in for RSU president, cements his place in the hearts of the public by saving a group of nuns. Cornelius Peabody III and Tits McGee report on this noble act of nonchalant heroism
International sex symbol Suraj “The Mirage” Singh, commonly known as “Supreme Overlord,” “Mighty Commander,” or “Richard,” saved 16 nuns trapped on a bus headed to Saskatchewan Monday morning.
Singh, who recently toppled the evil capitalistic regime known as “Blockbuster” by switching to NetFlix, was riding his bike back to Toronto from Winnipeg, where he attended a charity to raise awareness about Winnipeg.
Sister Martha Medear, 22, said Singh courageously stopped the bus in an act of unadulterated heroism. “He politely waved and told the bus driver to pull over,” she said. “If it wasn’t for Suraj, we’d be in Saskatchewan.”
The nuns were on their way to attend a church summer camp that helps Saskatchewan kids get the hell out of Saskatchewan. “I really want to help those children,” said Sister Rita Eisenhower, 29. “But if it means going to Saskatchewan…let’s just say I thank God for Suraj everyday.”
Sister Sarah Marshall, 21, was at the front of the bus when it almost got even closer to Saskatchewan. “I kind of regret this whole celibacy thing,” she said. “I mean, just look at him.”
Singh, who apart from working in Space covering breaks for the Canadarm, is a Grand Poohbah at Ryerson. Grand Poohbahs are those who, according to the Book of Student Supremacy, have “displayed athletic, intellectual, entrepreneurial, spiritual, and sexual abilitywhile maintaining a 10.0 GPA.”
“I was reading The Brothers Karamazov when I saw the bus,” said Singh. “I finished it quickly and decided to take action.”
When asked if this heroic act was a publicity stunt for his upcoming run at the Ryerson Student Union presidency, Singh responded that by his standards, it was actually a fairly quiet Monday.
“I’m not too worried about the elections,” he said. “After all, why wouldn’t they vote for the student who promises to eliminate all fees AND cure cancer?”
Second-year photography student Steven Ingold said he’s definitely voting for Singh after hearing about his promises to legalize weed on campus and give a free corgi to every student.
“With most candidates, you feel like they’re not really going to live up to their campaign promises,” said Ingold. “But with Suraj, you just know that he’s going to accomplish everything he says he will.”