Illustration: Sawyer Bogdan

Dude bathrooms and the politics of pissing

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Reading Time: 2 minutes

By Jake Scott

Two men walk into the washroom together. I follow behind. They know each other; there are back slaps and laughs. The three of us walk up to the urinals, which there are three of. One man heads to the first urinal and the other to the third. So, there I stand with what I believe is only one choice: take the second urinal. Just as I saddle up to the porcelain and pull out my pecker, the fellow at the first stall puts his away and walks into a bathroom stall. He starts peeing.

Now here I am, at the second urinal next to his abandoned friend. Obviously I had made him uncomfortable, but why? My cock isn’t trying to start any fights. I had no intention of crossing streams, shaking hands or making eye contact.  Had the magnificence of my shmeckle intimidated this grown-assed man to the point that he needed to hang his wang in shame? Probably not, but it got me thinking about the politics of pissing. It is a well-known rule among men that if there are sufficient urinals, then you leave as much space as you can between one another.

Where men disagree is what to do in a situation like mine, one that I call the triple dick gambit. I chose to take the middle urinal because I really don’t care if someone is urinating next to me. If by an act of providence I see someone’s bird, it’s not going to scar me. It’s a dick and I see one every day.

“It got me thinking about the politics of pissing”

My second reason is that I don’t want to lift a public toilet seat if I don’t have to. I think most people would agree, including the guy who went to take a leak in the stall. He didn’t lift that seat and you know what? He splashed. Quite a bit, in fact. And that, my fellow men, is unacceptable. It ruins the stalls for everybody and it’s hot, golden proof of cowardice.

Some of my co-workers have told me that I’m in the wrong here. That I should have taken the stall and left these men to piss with an invisible barrier between them. Fuck that noise! Get over it and just pee. I implore you, men of Ryerson, be proud of your peter. Let your dick fly wild and free and fear not the judgment of others!

URINARY REVOLUTION!

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