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Things you can’t do on campus, according to Toronto bylaws

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By George Fenwick 

Being a student at an inner city university has its perks. We have a plethora of bars, cafes, movie theatres and street preachers in close proximity to campus. However, being integrated in downtown Toronto means we’re governed by a hot mess of bylaws. There are a surprising number of ways to rack up a criminal record at Ryerson that range from confusing to batshit crazy. Here’s a guide on how to be a law-abiding citizen as you stumble through earning your degree here in the 6ix.

It’s illegal to drag your dead horse down Yonge Street on a Sunday

If you ever ride your horse down to the SLC to fit in some Sunday study and it subsequently gets run over by a streetcar, stay wary of any hovering law enforcement personnel. According to an old Toronto bylaw, it’s illegal to drag your dead horse down Yonge Street on a Sunday. To extract your horse corpse from downtown, we recommend ordering an uberXL, or ducking down Gould Street to plan a different route. Alternatively, you could avoid this instance all together by taking the TTC or riding a bike.

It’s illegal to challenge someone to a duel, and to partake in one

We’ve got our own Quidditch team and Toronto’s new Potter-pub, The Lockhart, is getting worldwide attention. But unfortunately, Gilderoy would be disappointed to learn that a thriving duelling club would be met with opposition from the government. Challenging someone to a duel is officially prohibited. Next time a U of T student directs any unsavoury vibes your way, keep your wands and swords in your pockets, whisper your favourite song lyric and walk away.

It’s illegal to swear in a park, among other things

Toronto’s parks are a hotbed for potential arrests. Next time you find yourself walking furiously across the grass from Kerr Hall East to Kerr Hall West as a result of thinking that your class was here, but it’s actually there (you’re sick of the complex labyrinth of a building, anyway) make sure you cuss mentally. If you are found cursing to the sky in frustration, you might be slapped with a $200 fine. On top of that, it’s also illegal to release helium balloons, play golf, learn to drive and taser a dog in Toronto parks.

It’s illegal to let your pet pigeon go anywhere, basically

Residence kids, this one’s for you. If you’ve brought your beloved pigeon with you to Ryerson, it is strictly forbidden for it to stray, perch, roost or rest upon any land, premises or buildings that don’t belong to you. The poor thing must stay in your room, or perhaps at your parent’s house, where you can visit on weekends and public holidays.

It’s illegal to be loud, or vibrate

Toronto municipal law states that “no person shall make, cause or permit noise or vibration, at any time, which is likely to disturb the quiet, peace, rest, enjoyment, comfort or convenience of the inhabitants of the City.” Whelp. This is the end, I guess. In the words of the prophet Drake; if you’re reading this, it’s too late. Frosh week happened. Goodbye, future employers. We are all criminals.

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