A guide to eating superfoods

By Skyler Ash

Being healthy is hard, because healthy food is disgusting. When your friend says they like a good kale smoothie, just end your friendship — you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.

You hear a lot of talk about superfoods, which are supposed to be really good for you, but that doesn’t mean that they taste good. And for all this talk about being “superfoods,” there’s nothing that super about them. There’s no way these foods are fit and ready for a life of fighting crime.

So here are a couple of ways to dress up your food, so it’s a little more super. You will be eating like a hero in no time.

Blueberries: Fashion a small pair of Wonder Woman boots for your blueberry. Place your blueberry atop the boots, and they’ll be fighting bad guys in no time! Don’t worry about completing the look with Wonder Woman’s whip, it’s unreasonable to expect a blueberry to hold a whip.

Seaweed: While munching on some thin, green plant thing may not seem like much fun, there’s always room for improvement. Make a small cape for your seaweed strips, and carefully tie it around the neck region of the seaweed. But not too tight, or you’ll harm your seaweed; they’re very delicate creatures. Once the cape is on, your seaweed is ready to get cats out of trees and help old ladies across the streets, because he’ll be properly dressed.

Cauliflower: Cauliflower is pretty cool. It looks like a tiny albino tree, but it’s not very exciting to eat. A way to enhance your eating experience would be to slip that cauliflower into some bright, spandex tights. The tights will allow your cauliflower a greater range of motion and a slight degree of protection while he’s out defending innocent women in street squabbles.

Goji berries: Who even knows what these are? They look like red raisins, and everybody knows that a small, prune-like food is going to need some help to catch those villains. Help your goji berry don a mask. It’ll help protect his identity and give him a sense of authority.

Salmon: Okay, salmon is actually good, but is it ready to defend the city? No — it can barely fend off a bear attack. Give your salmon a shield so he can keep those villains at bay. Your salmon will be Captain America-ing the crap out of those bears in no time.