Illustration courtesy: Skyler Ash

Horoscopes

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Capricorn (Dec. 22  — Jan. 20) 

Stop, just stop with all the lies.

You know what you did, now go! I never want to see you again!

Aquarius (Jan. 21 — Feb. 19)

You know that thing you did in the fifth grade that was really embarrassing? We’re judging you.

Pisces (Feb. 20 — March 20)

Hey little fish, you’re good. Keep on swimming, fish, keep swimming.

Aries (March 21 — April 19)

Always look good. In the words of Leslie Knope: “Google Earth, always takin’ pics.”

Taurus (April 20 — May 20) 

No offence, but I hate you. Get it together.

Gemini (May 21 — June 20)

Study more (last semester was shameful and I’m not above calling your parents).

Cancer (June 21 — July 22)

Talk to a stranger— tell them to get a job, or to start contributing positively to society.

Leo (July 23 — Aug. 22)

Saturn is aligned, something good will happen. Maybe your mother will finally say she’s proud of you!

Virgo (Aug. 23 — Sep. 22)

So, this is a little awkward, but umm … there’s something in your teeth. Everyone can see it.

Libra (Sep. 23 — Oct. 22)

Let all your worries go this week. How else are you supposed to make room for all those new worries?

Scorpio (Oct. 23 — Nov. 21)

Of course people like you! You’re so nice and really cool!

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 — Dec. 21)

Do you think Scorpio bought that crap? Probably, that vain bastard.

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