Capricorn (Dec. 22 — Jan. 20)
Stop, just stop with all the lies.
You know what you did, now go! I never want to see you again!
Aquarius (Jan. 21 — Feb. 19)
You know that thing you did in the fifth grade that was really embarrassing? We’re judging you.
Pisces (Feb. 20 — March 20)
Hey little fish, you’re good. Keep on swimming, fish, keep swimming.
Aries (March 21 — April 19)
Always look good. In the words of Leslie Knope: “Google Earth, always takin’ pics.”
Taurus (April 20 — May 20)
No offence, but I hate you. Get it together.
Gemini (May 21 — June 20)
Study more (last semester was shameful and I’m not above calling your parents).
Cancer (June 21 — July 22)
Talk to a stranger— tell them to get a job, or to start contributing positively to society.
Leo (July 23 — Aug. 22)
Saturn is aligned, something good will happen. Maybe your mother will finally say she’s proud of you!
Virgo (Aug. 23 — Sep. 22)
So, this is a little awkward, but umm … there’s something in your teeth. Everyone can see it.
Libra (Sep. 23 — Oct. 22)
Let all your worries go this week. How else are you supposed to make room for all those new worries?
Scorpio (Oct. 23 — Nov. 21)
Of course people like you! You’re so nice and really cool!
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 — Dec. 21)
Do you think Scorpio bought that crap? Probably, that vain bastard.