Illustration: Skyler Ash


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Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20)

Good luck with exams, because you need all the luck you can get.

Aquarius (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19)

As the school year comes to a close, you need to look for a summer job. Your mom said you’re a lazy waste of space and wants you out of her house.

Pisces (Feb. 20 – March 20)

Some people get nostalgic about the end of a school year but we both know that nothing good happened to you, so there’s not much to miss.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

The stars are saying that your exam season will be filled with horror and shame. Good luck!

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

I’ve talked to some of your friends and we all agree that you need to stop doing that weird thing with your hair. It doesn’t look good.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Some people progress faster than others, but you seem to be progressing alarmingly slow. Get it together.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Take time to appreciate your friends by getting out of their lives, because they don’t like you.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

Things don’t always work out in your favour. Maybe it’s because you’re a bitch.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

This week could be a turning point for you – if you decide to stop being such a shitty person.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

Life isn’t easy but you make it a lot harder.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

Learn to relax, because you’re on edge all the time and it’s annoying.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

The planets have aligned and it doesn’t look good for you this week, or any week.

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