Illustration: Devin Jones

How to spend Valentine’s day alone

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By Skyler Ash

Being alone on Valentine’s day is highly underrated. People think it’s awful, but it’s the best thing. You can wear whatever you want, eat whatever you want and do whatever you want. Nobody cares if you sing Whitney Houston at the tops of your lungs without pants on while you shovel cookies into your mouth.

If you’re alone on Valentine’s day, don’t be sad. Just think about how much your risk of catching an STI just dropped! If that wasn’t enough, here are a few tips on how to spend V-day alone.

1. Go pants-free! Fuck pants! Nobody can see you, so just chuck ’em. Free yourself from that denim prison and let your legs live a little. But wear socks, because it’s a chilly time of year and also feet are weird.

2. Eat everything. Whatever you want, there are no limits. Pickles? You go it. Marshmallows? Why not! A whole watermelon? Do it! If nobody can see you, the calories don’t count.

3. Put on a show. I don’t mean Outlander  or Master of None, I mean you get up on that stage (your bed/counter/coffee table) and you sing your little heart out! Your hairbrush will make a fine microphone, and you should probably wear a scarf (there’s no real reason, I just think your look snazzier).

4. Call your mom. You haven’t done that in a while and she’s probably worried about you. If she asks you why you aren’t out on a date, tell her you don’t need anybody! You’re fine on your own! Love is for the weak! Don’t let her get to you, you don’t need that negativity in your life.

5. Apologize to your mom. You probably offended her when you called earlier, so you should really try your best to make things right.

6. Go to bed. Just have a real good sleep. Tuck yourself in at 8:30 p.m. and don’t wake up for any reason. OK, you can get up to pee, but that’s it! Treat yourself to the sleep you always want but never get.

So that’s it. That’s how to be alone on the sexiest day of the year. If these tips don’t work for you, here are some tips on how to be sexy, or, alternatively, how to have a good, long cry. 

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