By Skyler Ash
Crying is a vital life skill. It’s a coping device. It’s what you do when you fail a test, scrape your knee, lose a loved one or forget your car keys in your car and then you’re locked out of your car and THAT ONLY HAPPENED THAT ONE TIME, DAD!
But it’s important to be good at crying, because if you’re an emotional wreck like me, you’ll spend a lot of time weeping dramatically. And so, here’s what you need to know about how to have a good, long cry (because we know it’s not allergies).
Finding the right place. It’s all about where you cry. Remember, nobody puts babies in the corner, so make sure you’re out in the open. You shouldn’t be afraid to show emotions — we’re all human, after all. Cry in the middle of the street, on a crowded bus, at a public pool or even at a family barbecue. Assert your emotional dominance by shedding some tears!
Wearing the right clothes. You can’t cry in short sleeves. Where would you wipe away your water works and your ongoing steam of snot? Long sleeves are a must. Make sure you’re cozy and warm. You have to up your internal body temperature so that you have that rosy-cheek glow of a raging five-year-old who just got his animal crackers taken. If you don’t look the part, then why even bother?
Sound the part. A good, long cry should be full of moans, groans, mournful sighs and melodic highs. And lots of whining. You should sound like a cross between a smothered goose and a wolf trying to communicate with his pack who he’s lost after a long journey on the road to discover himself only to realize that he needed his pack all along. Don’t be too quiet and don’t be too loud. Show your octave range by being a human synthesizer.
Have something to cry about. This is probably the most important part of crying. You can’t let those tears flow for no reason, so here are a couple of things worth crying about: the last episode of Grey’s Anatomy, because Meredith’s finally putting herself back out there and Arizona is being unreasonable! The fact that it looks so lovely and sunny out but it’s still cold and windy! It’s no longer socially acceptable to wear light up sneakers past the age of eight! Finding Dory isn’t coming out for three more months! Those are things worth opening the floodgates for.
Wherever the place, whatever you’re wearing, whatever sounds you make, why you cry — they’re all important, but none are more important than you. So cry if you want to! But maybe just cry in the shower like everybody else, you blubbering weirdo.