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How to be sexy

In Fun & Satire, Love & SexLeave a Comment

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By Skyler Ash

February is the least sexy month of the year by far: big winter coats, giant scarves that look like they’re taking over your body and red noses running like an angry, flowing stream. Being sexy is hard, so here are six ways to spice up your sex appeal!

1. Cover up. Nothing is sexier than a fully cloistered homo sapien meandering about the streets.

2. Never talk to anyone. Keep that sexy mouth shut, because you’re a mysterious warm-blooded mammal.

3. Point out the flaws of perspective mates. It’ll show them that you care about the way they look, you social-savvy social citizen.

4. Don’t suppress any biological impluses. Snort, burp and fart your way to sexy, you bipedal champion.

5. Have an ugly laugh. Nothing is more appealing than a unique laugh, so keep it high, low and loud, you fully-formed fetus.

6. Share food. It doesn’t matter who it is — friend, stanger, enemy — walk up and take a bite! This will show that you’re up for anything and like to share. Sharing is caring, and caring is sexy, you fleshy skeleton.

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