By Peyton Andino
Disclaimer: No Swifties were harmed or robbed in this fictitious article. What you choose to do with your own money is of your own volition.
Students became the Foolish One after a promised Taylor Swift performance in the International Living/Learning Centre (ILC) at Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU) turned out to be a sham.
John Schmayer, a 22-year-old business technology management student, is being charged with racketeering, theft and damage to public property after a study area in the building was illegally converted into a fake stage for a proposed performance by Swift.
“I knew All Too Well it was just another scam,” said part-time student and full-time Swiftie Betty Smith. “After Offset, can TMU even afford another celebrity?”
Last Friday, an Eventbrite link was posted alongside an AI-generated graphic advertising Swift’s appearance at the ILC. Tickets were priced at $1,000 with a $500 meet-and-greet fee tacked on.
“I knew All Too Well it was just another scam”
The line ran all the way to the end of Gould Street as the students eagerly awaited to be let in. Campus security had to barricade the ILC doors with vending machines due to the size of the crowd.
After the Swifties were escorted inside, they were treated to stale candy hearts, an exclusive TMU friendship bracelet and a photobooth that had a warped picture of a Swift concert as a backdrop.
While initially underwhelmed, they sat down on the floor and waited for the pop singer to make her appearance.
As the lights went down and the curtains opened, the Swifties held their breath in anticipation. In a flash, TMU Bold mascot Frankie the Falcon came out in a bejewelled bodysuit, stiletto heels and a blonde wig.
“After Offset, can TMU even afford another celebrity?”
Frankie beak-synced to a medley of Swift’s greatest hits as students threw Balzac brews at the performer in an assault later dubbed as The Great War. After being doused in overpriced coffee, the beloved mascot and Schmayer ran outside to a Getaway Car and sped down Mutual Street before being apprehended by campus security.
“Don’t blame me,” said Frankie, “I feel like there’s some misdirected Bad Blood. If this type of behaviour keeps up, You’re Losing Me.”
The departure of Frankie and the absence of Schmayer caused the students to turn on each other, believing that another in the room might have been the cause. ILC residents were awoken in the night to the sounds of police sirens and loud, mournful screeches of despondent Swifties emanating from the bottom floor.
The room was found in a state of disarray hours after the promised performance. Couches were ripped up, tables flipped, puka shells scattered and a message reading “All You Had to Do Was Stay,” was scrawled hastily on the windows in bright red lipstick.
“I feel like there’s some misdirected Bad Blood”
Attendees are now calling for Frankie’s exile and Schmayer’s cancellation via posts on X.
“I can’t believe the pipes and the nerve of that bird. Just remember Frankie, KARMA IS A CAT!!” posted user @LachemiLvsSwift.
Another user, @TayRonto4Ever, has taken to X to demand a refund. “Dear John…that was my OSAP payment. Can’t believe our school lets these illicit affairs continue.”
Schmayer, who initially refused to give The Eyeopener a statement, had this to say: “long story short, I’m a Lover of all things Taylor. I Can See You, Swifties, and I know how Delicate this is. You will be okay, and I will be Mr. Perfectly Fine.”
“I can’t believe the pipes and the nerve of that bird”
The Eye reached out to the school for comment, but they did not respond in time for publication as they had all snagged last-minute floor tickets to The Eras Tour.
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