By Daniel Opasinis

Disclaimer: While the actual process of logging into your school account may feel this tedious, I assure you this story is almost completely made up, except for the parts that are actually true. Choose what you want to believe.

Google’s two-step verification process has terrorized students at Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU) for years. However, things might just get worse as the administration has announced a new 10-step verification process to log into your accounts. 

A representative from TMU said the new program, “GorillaGrip,” will lock down accounts “tighter than your grandmother white-knuckling her 40-year-old pasta ladle.”

Don’t fret young grasshopper, The Eyeopener has collected all 10 steps in a simple-to-understand but not-too-understandable list below. 

1. Google authenticator 

Don’t delete that app just yet, you will still need to frantically type in that six-digit code while a little spinning timer taunts you for signing your soul away. 

2. Link your Discord 

Why Discord? No one knows! But you will have to slum it with sweaty moderators and politically-charged e-kittens to get into your account. 

3. Log into Facebook and like one piece of AI slop

Arguably the easiest step to accomplish, check out your Aunt Eleanor’s account. 

4. Do 15 jumping jacks

They don’t ask you to turn on your camera, how do they know when you’ve done them? Something about this one ain’t right. 

5. Sign up to recieve pitch emails from The Eyeopener’s Communities editor

Wow that is so weird, why would they want you to do that? Well gosh darn better get on it!

6. Head to your local test centre and get a full sexual health screening

The results of the test will not impact your ability to access your account, just go check up on yourself sweetie.

7. Summon Cthulhu from the depths of Lake Devo

That’s right, the octopus-head tentacle-taloned creature of your nightmares. Feel free to set it loose, Toronto’s catch-and-release laws are getting strict these days. 

8. Star in an off-broadway production of Pippin

Shockingly, it’s not about Scotty Pippen, but it was directed by comb-over king Bob Fosse. You’ll make it big time one of these days kid, you’re a star baby!

9. Restore a 1975 Chevrolet Blazer

Park that puppy on a downtown street corner and get your hands dirty. Pop the hood, get on your favourite tank top—or wife pleaser if you will—and let every passerby know that you are a car guy. Yeah, get all up in there. 

10. Reach self-actualization 

Sit back—reflect—was it all even worth it? This journey, all for what? To get into an email? A Google Calendar? 

Think about the journey that brought you here. Is it really over…or is it just  the beginning? You’ve made it kiddo, you’re in.