By Pshhhhhh…

Disclaimer: Although this Instagram account is troublingly real, the rest of this story is just taking the piss out of you.

A new threat has descended upon  the Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU) campus, unlike one ever seen before.

Fourth-year outdoor survival student Bare Girls was troubled when he came across the account. “I’ve done some weird shit with piss, but this is just too much,” he said. 

Through the Instagram account @tmu_pisser, an individual is threatening—some might say promising—to piss on unsuspecting students at TMU.

The account has posted multiple videos of a person pissing on several campus locations, like out of a window on the second floor of Kerr Hall. Unfortunately it’s not uncommon, as fashion students with small bladders have been using the spot for decades. 

“I’ve done some weird shit with piss, but this is just too much”

Campus security was unable to comment on the vulgar threats, stating they were “too busy.” One can only assume they’re out pissing on students themselves.

TMU president and part-time urinal Lohamed Machemi was tickled with joy at the circulating account. 

“Well I’m not one to kink shame you see…whatever gets your rocks off is what we’re all about at TMU,” he said. 

Machemi then shared an uprompted joke about the abbreviation of the school standing for “Too Much Urine.”

The Eyeopener sat down with the infamous Peepeepoopoo man, who said he’s taking the news one day at a time. 

“It’s ridiculous, I mean, you spend months gathering metric tons of your own stink, and for what? Some loser on Instagram to copy you,” he said. “No one cares about Peepeepoopoo man anymore, no one asks how Peepeepoopoo man is doing.” 

Peepeepoopoo man compared the situation to TMU Chairs, an Instagram account accused of stealing ideas from a much more imaginative and talented creator who “totally did it first.”

Sparky, a 14-year-old poodle in Kerr Hall Quad, admitted he is unimpressed with the whole situation. 

“Maybe the TMU Pisser will piss on you next”

“It smells awful around here,” he barked. “Back in my day we had hot golden retrievers spreading their golden showers all over the lawn, not these prepubescent computer science undergrads. A shame.”

“Who knows, maybe the TMU Pisser will piss on you next, or maybe that girl walking over there, heck, maybe he’ll make his way up to the thirteenth floor of Jorgensen Hall, make a left, a right and piss on the poor fuck in that office right there,” Machemi said, biting his lip ever so slightly.

TMU Pisser was unable to comment before publication, not that we reached out anyways.

Also if anyone asks, The Eye’s office is on the third floor of the Student Campus Centre just to the left when you get up the stairs. That’s right, the third floor.