By Rustin Peace

Disclaimer: Like a dead man enjoying his eternal slumber, this story fully lies. 

Kevin the Pigeon

Kevin the Pigeon, age 3, tragically fell from great heights this Tuesday after mistaking a freshly cleaned window of the Student Campus Centre for open sky. Known for always eating whatever food was left on the ground and his uncanny ability to always be in your way on Gould Street, Kevin will be remembered for his fuckass eyes, weird little bird feet and complete disregard for personal space. Services will be held in Kerr Quad this Friday, weather permitting.

The will to attend 8 a.m. classes

The will to attend 8 a.m. classes passed away peacefully in dorm rooms across campus this semester. Born during freshman orientation, it enjoyed a short but spirited life of optimism and punctuality before succumbing to the sweet lure of snooze buttons. In lieu of flowers, donations may be made in the form of Uber Eats gift cards. 

The concept of time during reading week

The concept of time itself disintegrated shortly after reading week began, when “Monday” became “Kind of Wednesday” and “Today” was just “The Day Before That Thing.” Funeral rites were delayed due to no one knowing what day it was. What day is it?

The Fun & Satire editor at The Eyeopener

Wait if this guy’s dead…then who’s making this page layout?

Your laptop battery 

Your laptop battery, which died during an in-class presentation despite being “plugged in, not charging” for over 45 minutes, will be remembered for sounding like an F-16 every time you wanted to have more than one tab open. A vigil will be held near the one working outlet in the Victoria Building. 

That guy in your group project

That guy in your group project, last seen during the initial group making process proclaiming he would “make all the slides once the information has been collected,” has been declared deceased. No source has confirmed this fact though that has to be the only option that can explain his lack of contributions towards the project. There will be no service, but his name will appear on the final submission…somehow.

The New York Yankees

The New York Yankees, a major league baseball team since 1903, have been murdered by the Toronto Blue Jays. GO JAYS GO!