By Scoop W. Gerbil

Disclaimer: While TMSU Saviour is somehow actually real, these tales aren’t. 

One man has spent the past year rather ferociously auditing the work of the Toronto Metropolitan Students’ Union (TMSU), sending out emails to faculty, students, the university administration and us at The Eyeopener. His name is TMSU Saviour and this is his story *Dun Dun.* 

It all started when his Uncle Ben was wronged by the TMSU executives of yesteryear, in an email phishing scheme promising free tickets to Woodstock. 

Ever since, TMSU Saviour has yearned for an ice cold scoop of vengeance. The Eye sat down with TMSU Saviour, and boy did we have some questions! 

Q: What keeps you motivated in these times? 

A: Oh you know, an ice cold matcha latte, a quick spin at Sweat & Tonic and my undying loathing of the ongoing corruption within TMU’s student union. I’m just a regular dude.

Q: Where do you get your information? 

A: I live in the walls of the Student Campus Centre, do people not know that I’ve been a part of every TMSU conversation since that drunk driving scandal…totally framed by the way, I LOVED that episode. 

Q: How many of you are there really? 

A: I’ll never tell, but you should know I’ve had my Ganesh rammed in every corner of this school for decades. Everytime someone posts the phrase “what’s up with the TMSU?” on Reddit, sleeper cells wake up and crawl out of the Kerr Hall Quad like that scene from ‘The Last of Us.’

Q: What’s next for you TMSU saviour? 

A: Well I hear there are some spots open on the TMSU this year, so maybe I’ll throw my hat in the ring. Maybe I’m already on the TMSU? Maybe I’m Offset and/or G-Eazy? Maybe I’m standing right behind you. Yeah you. Reading this paper. Did I get ya? No but seriously…I’m just a janitor.