By Dylan Marks

Dicksclaimer: Cum on, this story is a load of lies and is not at all based on personal experience. Nobody can jerk off one million times, ask any teenager you know as they’ve probably tried. 

As students come back from their hometowns to the hefty load of day-to-day school life, one self proclaimed ‘king of gooning’ says he spent the majority of his break breaking his penis through excessive amounts of masturbation, one million times to be exact.

Second-year computer science student Jack Ingoff explains that, while for most students winter break entails eating Fritos and doomscrolling on reels, for him the “break” meant “breaking” his “cock.” 

“The majority of the time I’d take my pants off, lay flat on my back like a fat seal, boot up the customize genital section of Cyberpunk 2077 and then twist my dick like it’s a Bop-It until my parents called me down for dinner,” said Ingoff. “I’d allocate five minutes maximum for meals, then I’d down some orange juice and head back upstairs to pay Mr. Stroganoff, which is what I call jerking off so hard that it comes out with the consistency of beef stroganoff.” 

Though jerking off is understood as a healthy growing and learning experience in the young adult process, Ingoff’s mother believes the scale of which her son is engaging in hand-to-gland combat is concerning.

“I walked in on him ‘man-handling his ham candle’ as it says on the warning sign on his door and in my 52 years of living, I’d never seen anything quite like what I saw,” said Ingoff’s mother. “It doesn’t bear repeating but picture the slime scenes from Ghostbusters mixed with the docking scene from Interstellar.”

While Ingoff has reiterated his ability to engage in so many sequential “ménage à mois’s” is linked to his prominent circumcision, a new study shows that jerking off without foreskin leads to more penis-related injuries than jerking off with it.

Head of corpus spongiosum studies at the Centre for Understanding Masturbation (CUM) Dr. Richard Johnson has uncovered that, while one man’s trash may be another’s treasure, one man’s penis may be another man’s dream. 

“There are all kinds of penises out there, long, short, fat, stout, slim, thick, tight, loose, red, pink, orange, up curve, down curve, left curve, right curve, middle center straight, slight uptick at the tip, slight downtick at the tip, micro, macro, marco, polo, dasher, dancer, prancer, dinky, stinky, clean, cut, uncut, even, uneven, velvet, I mean you name it, I’ve seen it,” said Johnson. 

“The real trick in my trade is trying to understand which of these penis types is most optimal for a pleasurable jerking experience,” Johnson added. “In what we have seen so far and so long, it’s clear that it comes down to whether or not foreskin is involved in the ejac-equation.”

Johnson’s long and hard CUM study outcome may sway some without foreskin to be careful when aiming to achieve sexual gratification by self-stimulating their reproductory glands, however Ingoff stands firm on his ability to “evict some testicular squatters” better than anyone who has come before him. 

“That’s why it’s called ‘master-bation’, I am the master of bating. I am the Michael Jordan of slanging my cock-ness monster round n’ round until it spurts out goo harder than the great geysers of Yellowstone,” said Ingoff. “Anyways it doesn’t matter anymore now that my hands have turned into nubs and my dick has been obliterated.”