By Julia Herrick

Disclaimer: Though this piece is almost entirely satirical, $1.4 million of TMSU funds were actually mismanaged so…think about that.

It was recently uncovered that $1.4 million of the Toronto Metropolitan Students’ Union (TMSU)’s funds were reportedly mismanaged including large amounts paid to unknown vendors as previously reported by The Eyeopener. Many students were left with questions, most notably, “how does that even happen?” and “how can a chill guy like me get in on this?” While the true cause behind the mismanagement is still being investigated, I have taken it upon myself to imagine what I, a humble satire writer, would spend this sweet stack o’ cash on.

An insanely large bouncy castle

Not for events, just one permanent, inconvenient bouncy castle that takes up far too much space and ruins foot traffic. Also if I needed to leave an uncomfortable social situation I could say something like “gotta bounce” and actually mean it. 

An unreasonable amount of weird food

Neon tacos, spicy cotton candy, pickle flavoured ice cream, anything that a doctor would tell me not to eat if I wanted to continue living happily. 

Every limited-edition McDonald’s cup ever made

I don’t even drink soda all that much. I just want the power of owning them all and displaying them like priceless artifacts in a clear glass display case in my home.

An obnoxiously huge chocolate river I could swim in

Health inspectors would cry but I’d just be swimmin’. Why would I prioritize hygiene when I could be just like that fat kid in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?

Giant indoor ball pit

No kids allowed. Shoes are optional. Dignity left at the door.

Randomly-timed confetti cannon

It goes off at inconvenient moments only. Emails? BOOM. Zoom call? BOOM. Existential crisis? Definitely BOOM. Life suddenly becomes unpredictable…and I love it.

Edible furniture

Chocolate chairs, cookie desks, marshmallow couches. Sit, snack, repeat.

Personal hype squad

Dressed however I please, this squad of elite 2016 teenagers with rainbow fade haircuts would cheer me on at random moments throughout the day. Whether I’m opening the fridge for my sixth snack of the day, going on a crazy streak in Block Blast, or just folding my laundry, they’re there cheering me on.

Life size hamster ball

Roll to class, roll to the fridge, roll…

An orchestra that plays dramatic music whenever I open the pantry

Because choosing between neon tacos and pickled flavoured ice cream should feel like a life or death decision every single time.

Hire someone to follow me around reminding me what I walked into rooms for

I enter a room and they whisper, “phone charger.” I nod and go about my day.

An apartment

I mean I may not even be able to afford one still…this economy!