The Mike Harrisutra

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By Douglas Cudmore

Maybe it’s just the influx of spring air this week, but a strange thing happened to me while I was reading the paper. I was wading through the usual litany of bad news and, instead of reacting with my normal outrage, I found myself aroused. And it came to me — the Common Sense Revolution is a damn sexy thing.

Don’t agree with me? Don’t want to see John Snobelen in a leather thong or Ernie Eves spread out on satin sheets? Then allow yourself to be turned on my the secual stylings of Ontario’s government.

The Megacity Merger. It’s a group thing. Watch six boroughs become one in this orgy. The big (Toronto, North York) shall envelop the tremblin council members of the small (York, East York). Through an oil-smooth transition, “services” will be “downloaded.”

The tuition bulge. For the truly multi-orgasmic man. Watch it rise, thrusting further, further into the air. Its higher than you ever thought it could be! It’s probing further into your bank account than you ever dreamed possible! You shake your head in wild amazement. And just when you think it’s over, you can settle down and get some sleep…and dear god, it’s rising again!

The boot camp stomp. Law and order not “balancing your budget” any more? Then try this novelty. Imagine — sweaty teen boys, toiling in the noonday sun. Go ahead, thrust your “community standards” into their miscreant psyches. If you can’t “form their social skills” when they’re young, what can you do with them when they come of age?

The privatization-tease. Nothing complex here, just the ancient art of the strip. Start out slowly, tantalizing as you expose provincial work to public contractors. Yes, keep going. Then go to the good stuff. Whip your liquor stores and throw them into the hungry crowd. They’ll drool and applaud — what pleasure. And then, as a climax, thrust the full glory of your “private sector” into public view. Throw open health care, welfare, education — your “underclass” is there for the grasping. Table dances by request.

For more information, “consult” your “local M.P.”

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