Verbal diarrhea: unclogging the toilet of sports clichés

In Sports /

By Steve D’souza

We see them every day on television.  We read them in the newspapers and we listen to them on the radio.

These useless non-soundbites are developing into a vocabulary all their own.  They are, “the sports cliché.”

Hopefully, this place will aid you, the sports fan, in debunking the useless pap that usually dribbles from the mouth of your favourite athlete.

We, your loyal servants, have put the clichés into categories and placed them in dictionary form.  Cut it out and put it beside your T.V. for quick and easy future reference.

 

Sex-obsessed 

If we don’t win tonight it’s time to crack out the whip.” – I have a secret S & M fetish and I get turned on by seeing athletes in so much pain they puke.

The fans have been great!” – did you see the two blondes in the second row?

I just put the puck on the net and good things happened.” – I just shot it hard, I wanted to impress the chick in the stands.

We’ve got some good chemistry on this team.” – I think the coach is going out with one of the players.

I’m just glad to be here.” – I heard the cheerleaders are pretty good.

“We’ve had some bad bounces.” – no more sex during intermissions.

We just gotta focus on the positive.” – I hope I get laid after the game.

I just have to get back to the fundamentals.” – I have to stop picturing the other players naked.

Money wasn’t the only reason I signed.” – the owner gives good head.

 

Selfish

The puck/ball didn’t bounce our way.” – bottom line, our defense was awful, our offense didn’t exist and the goaltending was shit, but I can’t tell you that.

We have to go out there and give 110%.” – I put in a half-assed effort last time out and if I do it again I’ll be riding the pine.

He/she is the strongest, most powerful player in the league.” – they’re a freak!  A damn juice pig who is stabbing their ass with needles twice a day!

I’m just not having fun anymore.” – well shit, you go out there and lose for the 42nd fuckin’ game in a row and see how you like it.

 

School-related

We have a good mix of veterans and rookies.” – the vets were crap last year and the rookies were rejected by every other school, so we’re kinda up shit creek again.

I’d like to give my thanks to the man upstairs.” – I’d like to give my thanks to the man who helped me get into the arts program with only 4 OAC’s and an average of 57.

It’s a rebuilding year.” – all of last year’s players hated the coach and aren’t coming back so we have no choice but to start from scratch with a bunch of inexperienced rookies.

I’m just proud to represent my school.” – if I wasn’t playing here, I wouldn’t be in school.  If I wasn’t in school my parents would kick my ass out on the street and I’d be heading for a career as manager at Burger World.  Wait a sec, that’s what I’ll probably end up doing anyways.

 

The team blows

We just have to keep the momentum on our side.” – if we don’t high stick, spear, trip, slash, cross check and elbow the shit out of the other team, we’ll never win.

Just gotta take it one game at a time.” – I know we’re gonna lose, so why think about it ahead of time?

We could do some damage this year.” – who cares if we lose, we’ll just trash hotel rooms.

Files from the Masked Sports Reporter

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