Ask the lesbian (Nov. 28)

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Dear Readers,

Question: What does a lesbian bring on her second date?

Answer: a U-HAUL.

So what is it with lesbians and their unique ability to meet, fall madly in love, plan their future together and name all of their test tube/ adopted babies in one night? I for one have never figured it out, but I have succumbed to the wretched truth that it is inevitable. I myself have sat behind the wheel of the proverbial U-HAUL riding aimlessly into the night with girls I’ve only known for, oh, maybe a week, maybe two. The point is that I actually believed that this one was the girl for me, each and every time and I solemnly swore that I wasn’t jumping into unknown waters too fast, I was merely following my heart.

And, where does following one’s heart lead to? Stranded on the deserted highway of Singleville with a U-HAUL full of baggage and a blown fuse. Lesbians have this crazy deep emotional bond that is similar to super glue. It bonds instantly and holds on for dear life. It’s used to fix past break-ups and make everything appear normal again. But it never is normal again, and neither is that relationship with the girl you just met. Sure it sounds wildly romantic to move in together after meeting her at the bar one night. Sure I’ve had first dates that have lasted three weeks at a time. But eventually you have to come to your senses and realize you’re married after three weeks and you haven’t even memorized her phone number yet. Mind you, she’s already had your calls forwarded to her place anyway so who cares. And, maybe, just maybe, it’s fun to learn someone’s last name before opening up a joint bank account with her.

So where am I taking this rant? It’s just a warning. Some scenarios may have been slightly exaggerated, but if you’re lesbian you know not by much. I guess this is just a random plea for all lesbians everywhere to be content with parking in their own driveway once in a while. Keep your things at your house, keep your favourite pillow on your bed, and keep your toothbrush in YOUR medicine cabinet. There’s plenty of time for the honeymoon after your second date.

Cheer,

Lesbian

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