10 No Dumping Days

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By Sonia Straface

At some point or another, many of us come to a point in our relationships when all we want is to dump our partners as soon as humanly possible. Timing seems to be everything today, and as quick and efficient as it is to send a text message to your soon-to-be-ex, you should time your break-up wisely if you don’t want to go straight from sweetheart to d-bag. To minimize the possibility, cross these 10 dates off your calendar.

  1. Their birthday: Birthdays are about cake, presents and most of all, fun. Don’t add a night spent crying themselves to sleep to their schedules. Put a damper on someone’s birthday and you’re sure to win the title of worst ex ever.
  2. Valentine’s Day: Even if you don’t own a calendar and even if you don’t believe in “Hallmark holidays”, there is no excuse for dumping someone on Valentine’s Day.  Think about it: you’re basically telling them, “I don’t care about you,” on a day where hearts and couples will be as exaggerated as the acting in High School Musical. Don’t do it.
  3. Christmas: Just admit that you’re the world’s biggest cheapskate and would rather give free heartbreak for Christmas than break a ten on something vaguely sentimental.
  4. Right after you move in together: Sure, you may hate the way they leave their underwear around the house, or the way they sip their coffee really loudly in the morning. But why wait until after all that unpacking? At least dump them when the moving truck is still in sight.
  5. The night before an exam: Now they’ve not only failed at winning your love, but also failed their LSAT’s. Be prepared for your subpoena in the mail after they pass the test next year.
  6. When they’re sick: It doesn’t matter if they’ve got a cold, the flu or mild seasonal allergies. When someone is sick they already feel like crap and will likely be on some kind medication. You’re risking your own life at that point. Who knows what they’ll do?
  7. While you’re on vacation together: Seven days and six nights in Los Cabos with nothing but the beach, the sun and resentment? Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face.
  8. At a family gathering: Breaking up with someone at a family-function will guarantee you some not-so-nice glares from your soon-to-be ex’s parents, grandparents and freakishly large uncle. Also, you’ll basically kill any chances of reuniting and having it feel so good.
  9. When someone they love has just died: The first question you need to ask yourself when giving someone the boot after you know their loved one has just passed is “Am I a sadist?” If the answer is no, take three steps back and wait for their mourning process to be over. If the answer is yes, do it and find someone in the scene who will put up with your crap.
  10. Post-sex: Ouch. Way to leave a permanent bruise on someone’s ego and, potentially, your own reproductive parts.

Photo by Allyssia Alleyne

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