Become the ultimate commuter

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By Nicole Schmidt 

Warning: following this advice may cause unnecessary bodily harm, attract unwanted attention, and possibly scare small children.

Mastering the Toronto transit system takes experience, discipline, preparation, and most importantly, a willingness to do almost anything

Since commuting is part of a daily routine for most Ryerson students, it’s important that each transit user thoroughly understands how to safely and comfortably get to their desired destination. In order to obtain this knowledge and more importantly, to survive, you must read this article very carefully. Word for word.

First off, you’re going to need supplies. You must be adequately prepared for any possible situation you may run into. Be equipped with a flashlight, a fire extinguisher, gas mask and a first-aid kit. These basic tools will ensure that you’re ready to tackle power outages, fires, injuries, and whatever other dangers lurk within the TTC.

You should also wear a helmet. Concussions and other head injuries that may result from falling cement are to be avoided at all costs. This safety precaution is in your best interest. Aside from staying safe, the number one goal when riding the TTC is to obtain as much personal space as humanly possible. Although extreme, the following methods are highly effective.

Your first option, called “the invisible friend”, is highly effective. It’s quite simple, really. All you have to do is turn yourself towards the empty seat beside you and pretend that there’s someone sitting there. Conversation is key to making this work. Be sure to really engage yourself in whatever you and your invisible friend are talking about. If some brave soul decides to interrupt and insists on sitting down, object like your life depends on it. Express your concern and be sure to tell that person that they’re sitting on your friend. If they refuse to move, have no fear, there’s a Plan B.

Turn towards this invasive individual and make the most horrifying face that your muscles are capable of producing. Be sure to stare. If possible, don’t blink. Hold this face for as long as it takes. If by some miracle the intruder is STILL there, it’s time to take extreme measures. The first thing you’re going to do is put your head on their shoulder.

Next, you’re going to make noises. Laugh maniacally, purr, cackle, hiss, sob, do whatever you need to do in order to reclaim your territory.

Now that we’ve covered safety, supplies, and maintaining personal space, there’s only one thing left to discuss – attire. The number one thing you must keep in mind while getting dressed to board the TTC is sanitation. To stay sanitary, always wear gloves. Do you know how many germs there are on that handrail you touched? Lots. Surgical gloves are best, but if you don’t own any of those, rubber dishwashing gloves or mittens will also suffice. If, and only if you follow these suggestions, you’ll have no problem surviving the TTC. May the odds be ever in your favor.

Other important information:

Subway, bus, and streetcar fare is $3 for students. Monthly metro passes are $106. Monday through Saturday, the subway runs from 6 a.m. – 1:30 a.m. Sunday, the subway runs from 9 a.m. – 1:30 a.m. Check the TTC website or follow the TTC on twitter for delays and schedules.

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