Down with B Dara: How to actually hook-up on Tinder

By Bahoz Dara

We’ve all been there, laying in bed at four in the morning with the iconic app, vigorously swiping left or right (never a decent combination of the two), until you match with someone who finally meets your standards for the night. Now for me, I like it when my prospective mate makes the first move, so I await patiently.

Once I get the message that will most likely consist of either a greeting paired with a suggestive emoji (usually a winky face, of course), or some sort of blatantly sexual statement, followed by an inquiry as to what my motives are, it becomes time to play.

The subtle back and forth of textual flirting commences, and importantly the life questions to ensure they’re not a psychopath should begin.

It’s not hard to find out all the little things about them within minutes of your first virtual interaction. The best part is you really don’t even have to pry to get to know them; ask them about school, their program, their job, where they’re located, what their hobbies are, if they’re into butt play, etc.

Almost anything goes depending on the person, and the direction the conversation is headed. Play the dialogue by ear, ask questions you want to know the answers to but don’t forget to maintain a solid sense of respect for your match and their comfort zones.

This is one aspect I genuinely love about the app, you don’t have to spend time in a crowded room talking to someone for longer than you need to, if they do end up being a complete waste of human space you can kindly hit the unmatch button and pretend they never existed…because I mean did they really anyway? Not according to my semi-selective list.

To continue, once we have established that they are in no way a serial killer (probably), it’s time to set up a “tinder date” which can honestly range from going for drinks, meeting at the most disgusting bar in your city or going over to “hang out”.

Wherever you decide to hold your first face-to-face interaction is up to you, but always make sure it’s somewhere you feel comfortable and can subtly depart if necessary. Being the straightforward hermit that I am, I prefer that the gentlemen come pay a visit to my humble abode.

Then comes the slightly uncomfortable first meeting, now quite possibly you’ve already seen this person at their most vulnerable, but not even the most provocative photo to ever grace your Snapchat history will not change the fact that you won’t know whether to go in for a friendly hug or a quick grab of the genitals.

The best way to get around this awkward moment is to just greet them as you would an acquaintance, say the standard hellos, and ‘how are yous’, and ask about their day. As time passes the primary shock of meeting each other in person will wear off, and thus you’ll gradually fall back into seeing the other as the attractive faceless body you’ve grown to lust.

Then business commences and maybe the animalistic instinct takes over, here comes a blurry-hormone filled eight minutes of your life, followed by an non-enticing conversation upon completion and a half-assed goodbye forever.

All jokes aside, I’ve only had a handful of first tinder encounters some of which were great for they were with people I thoroughly enjoyed, whom to this day I still communicate and spend time with. As for the other one or two my method of operation upon spotting them is to duck and hide.

This is another major perk of the application, its outcome is broad; I’ve seen every type of relationship form amongst its users, whether it’s strictly platonic, for one night, or even genuine raw emotion for one another. I guess it’s all about whom you are and what you hope to find, much like everyday social interaction.

The most important thing you should keep in mind is what you are looking for out of the app. Be sure you can answer the question so commonly pitched by the most and least interesting people I have ever encountered:

“what’re you doing on tinder? ;)”.

Email questions or comments to Bahoz Dara at bdara@ryerson.ca. Her column will appear online every Thursday.