Briefs & groaners

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Your weekly recap of the strange and unusual things that happened on campus:

> Shorty’s fire burnin’ on the dance floor

And by shorty, I mean a paper bag with cigarette butts. And by dance floor, I mean the library bathroom.

A fire alarm was activated by smoke coming from a paper bag with cigarette butts. Dude, you could have easily flushed the butts down the toilet, you’re in a bathroom for God’s sakes. Or you know, smoke outside like a regular idiot.

> I whip my eyelashes back and forth

A woman was taken to the hospital by EMS because, wait for it, eyelash glue. Yes, her applied eyelash glue caused so much irritation and bluriness in her eyeballs that she took a fucking ambulance to the hospital.

> And I’ll huff and puff and blow Kerr Hall down (with bricks)

You remember that little piggy that made his house out of bricks and survived that asshole wolf’s huffing and puffing? Well, the wolf’s back and he’s trying to find the pig. A male subject was reported to be throwing bricks at Kerr Hall windows. I get it buddy, I hate Kerr Hall just as much as the next piggy, but bricks? Really?

> Macklemore’s biggest fans found on campus

Two males were caught tampering with an electric scooter at Victoria and Gould streets. I think they really resonated with Macklemore’s Downtown song. They just wanted to know what it was like to not “need an Uber, [not] need a cab, fuck a buss pass, you got a moped man!” Once security showed up, the guys fucked off and went home to their bunkbeds and head bobbed to the top 40.

Seen some crazy stuff on campus? Email news@theeyeopener.com

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