Illustration: Izabella Balcerzak

Elizabeth May caught partying on Gould Street

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By Emerald Bensadoun

All cameras were on the Liberal government yesterday as Green Party leader Elizabeth May reprimanded Michelle Rempel for ‘unparliamentary language.’

“Hold the fuck up, guys,” Justin Trudeau threw up his hands in protest. All parliamentarians in the room went silent. A pen fell. Somebody somewhere blew a whistle. “Did she actually use the word ‘fart’?”

May sighed. “Yes, Justin. F-A-R-T. Like the fart.”

In a shrill voice, Canada’s Prime Minister shrieked “SOMEBODY STOP HER.”

May flailed her right hand in the air, presumably in an attempt to raise her hand and volunteer.

“Elizabeth… Are you drunk?” Trudeau asked, already knowing the answer to his question.

“Bitch I might be,” replied the Green Party leader, who hiccupped as she waddled towards the podium.

During press time, May reportedly stifled ostensive giggles as she reached out to Rempel for a high-five, begging her to “not leave her hanging,” keeping her hand in the air until an exasperated Rempel reluctantly returned the hand gesture. The Green Party leader had previously been spotted wandering along Gould Street holding blue and gold solo cups with two third-year Ryerson students after being escorted out of a university lecture for trying to teach students how to distract their professors from what she called the mysterious “bigger picture.”

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