CAN YOU STOP CHEWING FOREVERMORE, PLEASE. PHOTO: Karoun Chahinian
Photo: Karoun Chahinian

EYErant: annoying people who eat loudly in class

In Fun & Satire /

I have this one class where I don’t know anybody, which kind of sucks, but is also kind of great because then I don’t have to pretend to be happy at 9 a.m. with a person I barely know when we both know I’d rather be at home under ten blankets and not be wearing a bra.

So I sit down, and it’s loud as hell because I’m in a class full of heathens who have the self-control of a raging toddler. For the record, I babysit about two nights a week and I’ve met more well-behaved toddlers. Anyway, back to class. It’s loud, it’s weirdly hot so I have to strip down like I’m about to get paid for my services and then I take out some paper and a pen.

It’s 20 minutes into lecture and we’re watching a movie. Nobody is sitting beside me—which is how I like it in a room full of strangers—and then this guy walks in and sits right next to me on my right. He slaps down a coffee, and pulls a breakfast sandwich out of nowhere. He proceeds to slurp his coffee like this is the first time he’s ever consumed a liquid. As if that wasn’t bad enough, the magical breakfast sandwich appears. I swear to god, this guy takes fairy-sized bites, which is so contrasting to the voracity with which he sips his coffee.

And then, of course, he’s a loud eater. Here’s something else to add to the record, while we’re at it: chewing is a mouth-closed activity. The only time you should ever open your mouth when you’re chewing is NEVER.

Anyway, that was my day in class. Have a great week, stay safe and don’t chew with your mouth open or everyone will hate you.

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