A Mr. Peanut stands behind a "missing" sign looking for the trailmix
Photo: Izabella Balcerzak

EYEvestigation: The case of the missing trailmix

In Fun & Satire /

By Skyler Ash

Ryerson campus security issued a red alert on January 13 after a student reported one of their belongings missing.

“This kind of crime is the reason I got into the business,” said Jensen Perry, a private investigator and Eyeopener reporter hired by Ryerson after the school’s security team deemed this matter “too high-stakes” for their intelligence operatives to solve. “Something fishy is definitely going on here,” said Perry.

To understand the gravity of the situation, we take you back to a cold Friday morning on the first day back at school. Second-year social work student Joshua Kelp walked through the dreary passageways of Kerr Hall toward his locker. “I was pretty excited to get to my locker, because I left a really good bag of trail mix in there,” said Kelp.

But when he opened his locker, the trail mix was gone.

After a long, hard winter break full of harsh criticisms from his family, Kelp needed this trailmix. “I almost passed out,” said Kelp. “All my family does is pester me about EVERYTHING! ‘Josh, do you have a boyfriend yet? Josh, why don’t you go into something more practical, like your brother, he’s a lawyer! Josh, you’ve put on a few pounds.’ Like, sorry, all I do is work and eat so no I don’t have time to go out and find a man!”

After taking a few moments to collect himself, he activated the nearest emergency alarm and security showed up. That’s when they called in Perry.

“This boy was clearly distraught, so I needed to do my best. My first thought was to smell it out,” said Perry. After sniffing Kelp’s locker for exactly 23 minutes, he concluded that the mix was composed of almonds, dried cranberries, pumpkin seeds and dark chocolate chips. Following the scent, he made it about two feet from the locker before he pronounced that the trail had run cold.

It’s a big case, said Perry, but he’s taking all precautions necessary. “I have about eight suspects in custody (cells located in the George Vari Engineering and Computing Centre basement) and we’ve put up flyers all across campus.”

The names of the suspects in custody have not been released, but we do know that of the eight, five are students, two are professors and one was a non-Ryerson community member who “just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

Students are being asked to report any suspicious activity to campus security officials.

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