By Emerald Bensadoun
2016 was all ready to receive its much deserved award for being the shittiest fucking year any of us have ever witnessed at the 2017 Golden Globe Awards Ceremony when an enraged Meryl Streep stormed the stage.
Ryerson University students were rejoiced to finally have Meryl Streep confirm what they’ve known all along: that not only is first year representative Razi Syed the cause of pain, suffering and cancer in the world, but in his latest series of transgressions against humanity, by decree of Golden Globe winner Meryl Streep, he is also responsible for President Donald Trump.
“YOU MEME-LOOKING MOTHERFUCKER,” Meryl Streep shrieked. Somewhere, probably hiding in Trump Tower, President Donald Trump stood poised to retaliate, thumbs planted firmly on his qwerty keyboard, itching to let out a long, hard tweet about the events that had recently transpired.
Proving that he’s actually a motherfucking sorcerer, the celebrity backlash towards Razi Syed was in reference to photos surfacing of the first year representative after he managed to upset the entire first year student body by using his god given abilities to cause RAMMS to fail on the day of course selection and then refusing to fix the internet.
“I’m not even in first year and I felt like my ass had been rammed,” typed one student, tearfully into a Ryerson University Facebook group. “They’re saying he puts pineapple on his pizza, and I believe it.”
Meryl Streep, no stranger to hardship, was quick to rally behind Ryerson University students, spearheading the beginning of the “Students for the Impeachment of Razi” online movement.
Sighing wistfully, Syed recalled the late-night slumber parties and hair braiding that led to the President’s fateful ascension into U.S. politics. “IT WAS AN ACCIDENT, MERYL,” urged Syed, desperately trying to quell the angry audience. But Meryl Streep wasn’t having any of it, and went all The Devil Wears Prada on his ass.
“He was all, ‘you’re too lit to politic fam,’ and the idea dawned on me – what’s more lit than being the ruler of the fucking free world?” Syed staggered through the crowd, careful to position himself behind Ryerson first years in attendance, using their heads as circular human shields forming a first year blockade from Meryl Streep’s rage. “And then Putin laughed and before you know it we were prank-calling the White House with Presidential nominations!”
This isn’t the first time the Syed has decided to use his powers for evil. Syed has come under fire on Facebook and Twitter for eating food, decisively painstaking escalator etiquette and other equally egregious crimes, like shitting with the door open when there’s company around.
Donald Trump has since denied the allegations that he’s the product of a ‘Snow Mexican’s’ war on muggles, only moments later asking Razi Syed to perform at his inauguration. Sources confirm that the words “you won’t do it” were used in a phone conversation between the two.