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Ryerson soon to get a “rad” tunnel system

In Fun & Satire /

By Skyler Ash

On Tuesday, Jan. 24, Ryerson President Mohamed Lachemi announced that Ryerson will be getting an underground tunnel system connecting all the buildings on campus. Construction will start at the end of the winter semester and continue to February 2019.

“It is, quite literally, groundbreaking,” Lachemi said at the meeting when the announcement was made. “It will make our campus 10 times more rad, at least.”

The tunnel will make it easier and safer for students to travel from class to class, while also offering a number of perks. “There’s going to be six juice bars, free candy, a gelateria and the latest Drake hits playing over state-of-the-art speaker systems across the tunnel,” said Lauren Clegg, Ryerson media relations officer.

Plans for the tunnel began back in 2012, but were delayed when Ryerson decided to break ground on the campus’ most notable building, the Student Learning Centre (SLC) “I thought it would up my already sick street cred to open a funky glass building over a glorified ant farm,” said former Rye president Sheldon Levy. “After I made that magic happen, I got the the hell outta there, because I knew nothing would ever get better.” Levy now lives on a remote island up north in a miniature version of the SLC.

Lachemi has also announced he will be taking suggestions on how to improve the tunnel. “I made a little box all by myself. I covered it in some nice shiny blue and gold paper, just like Ryerson’s colours!” said Lachemi. The box is on his desk in Jorgenson Hall. He said he received 63 submissions in just 20 hours.

Some suggestions include adding an escape-room style portion of the tunnel between the Rogers Communication Centre and Pitman Hall, which would feature a pool of electric eels and some gross green goop dripping from the ceiling, as well as a loudspeaker that plays a spooky haunted house theme interspersed with that weird sound Michael Jack- son used to make all the time.

“My favourite idea is the caricature booth by the Image Arts Centre entrance,” said Lachemi. He admits the reason he is such a big fan of the idea is that the student who submitted it also included a drawing of Lachemi and petty cash in the amount of $4.23 “for whatever his heart desired.” (Lachemi said he will put it towards buying a pair of old-fashioned roller skates with purple laces).

It seems like students are having mixed reactions to the idea of a tunnel on campus. “I actually don’t believe in underground passageways,” said Holt Barbarus, a third-year philosophy major. “I’ve never stepped foot into a basement, and I’m into really obscure documentaries and distressed denim.”

First-year nutrition student Holly Platt said the tunnel seems like a great idea. “Personally, I hate walking above ground. I feel like natural light makes me feel kind of ill, and I avoid it at all costs. I’m also not a big fan of garlic, and I feel like you don’t come across that much in a tunnel.” Platt denied any speculation that she was a vampire.

Students are encouraged to share their thoughts on the tunnel on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram by using the hashtag “#RyeTunnel.”

Comments

  1. As a Ryerson employee of 22 years I feel this is a great idea and is much needed as Ryerson has grown in many ways since I started in 1995.
    We all can be proud of so many new developments, I believe in putting students first.
    Wishing the Ryerson Rams men’s hockey team all the best for the remainder of the season and post.
    Michael

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