Photo: Sarah Krichel

Mathlete suspended for athletic ineligibility

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By Réal Numbers

Ryerson’s three-person arithmetic team is struggling to deal with the aftermath of a significant subtraction.

On Tuesday, an investigation by the university’s mathematics department revealed one mathlete was ineligible to participate in this year’s competition due to a failed beep test, among other infractions.

“It is university policy for all members of academic teams to be physically active, athletically engaged and maintain a level of recreational and abdominal fortitude,” said athletic director Ivan Joseph, who also serves as head coach of the Quad-Ram-Tic Equations.

“I expect better, but at the end of the day, this was my miscalculation. I saw the mathlete’s records, and something just didn’t add up.”

Before mathletes can participate in inter-university play in Ontario, they must officially register for at least one intramural or varsity team, pass a general sports knowledge quiz, and reach 80 reps in the dreaded beep test.

One of the three players failed to accomplish one of those tasks, and for privacy reasons, Joseph wouldn’t identify the suspended mathlete.

“My lips are sealed,” Joseph said, applying a thick strip of blue and gold duct tape over his lips before shutting his office door.

In the Equations’ locker room, nobody was talking.

“I’m not gonna say who it is,” said team captain Josh Hingles.

“You guys are just going to have to do a little bit of digging,” added alternate captain Ursula Levinson, standing in front of the recently emptied locker of 18-year-old prodigy Wesley Peckinpah, the team’s rookie sensation out of Wyoming.

In an email sent Wednesday afternoon, Joseph wrote the suspended player will enrol in algorithmic gymnastics next semester to satisfy his athletic requirements ahead of next season.“This young man has been through a lot, but I absolutely will not identify him,” Joseph added. “Wesley’s a good kid, but I am not going to ell you who he is. No way, no how.”

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