Illustration: Premila D'Sa

Why Eggy the Ram is sick of your shit

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By Izabella Balcerzak

In any big corporation, unsung heroes often aren’t valued as much as they should be. At Ryerson University, our unsung hero comes in a different shape. He’s furry, forever smiling and wears a blue tracksuit everywhere he goes. His name is Eggy the Ram and according to Ryerson athletics, he’s putting down his poms poms.

After decades of running, high-fiving and shaking student’s dirty hands, Eggy’s PR representative, Peggy Waters, issued a statement announcing his resignation yesterday.

“Our beloved Eggy,” she began. “Is sick of your shit.”  From the comments that followed, it’s easy to understand why Eggy felt “under appreciated” and “used.” He’s still demanding royalties from the Thriller Music video he made with the Ryerson Dance Pak. It’s garnered over 7,000 views on YouTube since 2013.

This statement came hours after Eggy made a drastic exit during Ryerson’s basketball game versus the University of Toronto. Their mascot—a beaver named True Blue—had apparently stolen the show with his updated uniform and new dance moves.

Students reported seeing Eggy ramming his hoof into the ground and stampeding out of the arena after True Blue’s dance-off request. All he knew how to do was give a thumbs up and the Thriller. He never stood a chance.

“His head was shaking out of anger. He looked like a wild animal,” said Josh Ewe, a frequent sport game attendee.

Shortly after his untimely exit, Eggy was spotted running into the Loblaws and stealing a jar of Nutella from their famous and overly priced Nutella cafe. With Nutella smeared along his face, he ran down Church Street, trampling pedestrians, leaving behind rough, bleating noises as he went.

This freakout comes with a history of disappointing appearances.

Most recently, Eggy the Ram was invited to the Invictus Flag bearing ceremony at the Mattamy Athletic Centre as an honorary guest. When he showed up, it wasn’t quite what he expected.

It was a photo-op with their Labrador, Vimy, who wears nothing but a black bandana around his neck. Eggy wasn’t pleased.

“Sure, I’ll be in photos. I look great on camera…But don’t ask me to carry Vimy in my arms like we just got hitched. Especially if Vimy can’t return the favour,” said Eggy, who openly admits that sometimes, he just wants to be held too.

The photographer had also asked the mascots to run in slow motion and then high five each other. Their PR representatives kept yelling, “Look at the elbow!” at every failed attempt.

“At one point, they made me run laps. I’m not an athlete. I was that little ram in high school that got “participation” awards. My job is showing up. This is bullshit,” said the Ryerson mascot, fuming over the phone.

Eggy’s Twitter account is full of his rants, with the most recent one being the change in the weather. He says his shorts are too short for the sudden drops in temperatures. With warning signs like these, adoring fans have been left to wonder if maybe it was only a matter of time before he cracked.  

Since his stunt at the game, Eggy has dropped out of school and moved to Mexico, where he’s been reported to join a musical herd of mountain goats.

“I’ve always been into music and playing guitar, said Eggy. “I think this band will be good for me.”

The band calls themselves Las Cabras de Montaña, since The Mountain Goats has been taken by a legitimate American folk band.

While Ryerson Athletics mourns the loss of a timeless (albeit, sometimes disappointing) mascot, they have announced that they will continue to look for another. Auditions will take place next week at the MAC.

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