Briefs and Groaners: Finally, an excuse to take the elevator

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By Nathaniel Crouch

Every week, The Eyeopener meets with Ryerson security and gets the low-down on what’s been happening on campus. Here are some notable, and often unfortunate, entries.

 
Dicks out for nap time.

Ever need to nap so bad you forget your pants and undies are at your ankles? Yeah, me neither. Reported on Wednesday March 14th from the third floor of the MAC, a non-community member’s member was reported hanging out as he caught up on some Z’s. No doubt the idea here was to have his John Thomas scare off anyone who’d interfere with him getting ahead of his sleep schedule.

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Men can multitask too, you know!

In life, there are good mornings and there are bad mornings, then there are “it smells like poop and marijuana in here” mornings. The SLC stairs played out as a 420 store and pop up restroom on Monday Morning as a non-community member was removed for smoking that dank herb and defecating on the floor. I guess those motivational chalk drawings worked a little too well.

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The punch heard around the world

It’s understandable to want a cigarette, it’s not understandable to quintuple punch someone who won’t give you one. Apparently believing the world is the team based RPG Final fantasy, a group of non-community members assaulted a community member in the evening of Wednesday March 14th in the Kerr Hall area. Nicotine isn’t like crack, right? There’s such thing as self-control?

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That’s not a knife.

Well me and Loki played together as kid, he knew I loved binders so one day he changed himself into one. So, I picked up to admire it and suddenly he had a knife inside the binder, screamed “Blah it’s me!” then stabbed me. It was a terribly good joke. A knife was reported inside a unattended binder at Jorgensen hall and properly disposed of Thursday morning.

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