Briefs and Groaners: Vampires on campus?

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By Nathaniel Crouch

Every week, The Eyeopener meets with Ryerson security and gets the low-down on what’s been happening on campus. Here are some notable, and often unfortunate, entries.

Local runner knows he needs to get his bod in summer shape ASAP


It’s not uncommon to see people running around campus, whether to a class or away from the guy they ghosted on Tinder. There are some strange running sights, however.  On March 25, a non-community member was reported to be running in circles then sprinting to the RCC lobby. There’s no word yet on whether he leaned forward and had his arms straight out behind him Naruto-style as he fled before security arrived. In the words of Vanilla Ice: Go ninja, go ninja, go. 


Vampiric guest speaker coming


Add the one and only Count Dracula to the list of blood-sucking critters Ryerson has accumulated. On March 20, security responded to reports that a man in the first level of VIC was demanding others “tell nobody else I’m here” and proclaiming to be a vampire. Fear not! Should he stay there, he’ll make quick friends with the bed bugs.


Ryerson still needs a popup barber shop


On March 19, a community member was stopped by security in the second-floor washrooms of the Victoria Building for shaving their head. While wanting the look of boy-band-member-who’s-just-left-his-group-in-pursuit-of-solo-career is a popular choice for hairstyle, please just stop doing it in the same place people sit and regret last night’s 3 a.m. Taco Bell order. 


Six stoners and a hero


Seven individuals were found in a Pitman Hall stairwell smoking weed and consuming alcohol. However, from the ashes of crime shall rise a mighty guilt. One of the group members apparently stayed behind for when security arrived to profusely apologize for their actions. There’s the one kid who heard “honesty is the best policy,” but missed “snitches get stitches.” Ryerson will never forget your honesty. Not even after we find you wearing cement shoes, face down in Lake Devo.

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